I'm going to start posting my top 25 favorites texts each week, starting today:
(617): So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
(314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
(903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
(214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
(903): I'll be there in 10
(412): waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
(216): So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
(1-216): Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
(216): Take that integrity
(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??
(518): when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
(1-518): i pity the fetus.
(516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
(215): It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
(610): Wrong number and your a loser
(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
(330): Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
(661): Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
(651): Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
(215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
(267): I know she was great
(312): if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
(949): i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope
(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
(858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
(773): our cab driver is having phone sex.
(215): i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
(816): I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
(1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
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