Sexaholism 101

***Let me say now that I mean no offense to real sexaholics out there ... No, wait, I take that back - lucky fuckers! ***

Okay, so I was browsing the net a few nights ago and through no fault of my own or in any way pertaining to the type of blogs I was reading, I stumbled upon a link for Sexaholics Anonymous. I was on chat at the time with a friend who has only recently learned how much I like to flirt and throw around more sexual innuendos than a 16 yr old boy or horny housewife ... oh, wait ....

Anywho...

Look at what I found whilst browsing the informative material: an "Are you a horny perv?" questionnaire! Of course, it's not like I actually had to take the test to know the answer to that (which wasn't the actual title, by the way. I'm just saying what they were thinking.).

I don't think the creators of this quiz intended for this to be a checklist of pride, but that was because they never met me. This was a challenge and I like to win. My result? I PASSED! 85% SEXAHOLIC - WOOHOO!

Now, I understand there are some serious issues for some people in regards to sex; however, this test is just moronic and describes every healthy adult engaged in a sexual relationship. And so, I mock....


"Test Yourself"
(I added some thoughts just to get a rise out of anyone who comes by this... *wink wink*)

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?

Every time I am alone ...


2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?

Only if I keep giving in to a gorilla. A wookie's okay, though.


3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?

Every time I turn it on, it returns the favor.


4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?

I constantly strive to improve my technique. Practice makes perfect.


5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?….

I resort to sex when I'm horny. Sometimes it's to escape horniness, sometimes it's to relieve the anxiety of horniness, and other times it's because I just can't fucking cope with the horniness!


6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?

A little guilt sets in when I kick him out of the bed for being so fast, followed by remorse because I know anger will not turn him on again, and then depressed because I'm still horny.


7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?

I'm a real go-getter. If I can't find the sex I want, I push on harder until I do.


8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?

Yes. I can't seem to get away when I need secret sex


9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?

Resort? You mean I really CAN have Vin Diesel?! Dressed as Batman?!?!! And Vin Diesel dressed as Riddick dressed as Batman??? Well, Fuck!


10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?

I am quite good at making irresistible impulses arise by my sexual overtures and offers of sex, and I find such behavior has the same affect on me. If not, they make a pill for that.


11. Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?

No. When things aren't working out and I'm a completely miserable mess, I like to stay just where I am! Especially when the sex totally sucks (and not in a good way)!



12. Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?

Um, let's see, sex when I want it, how I want it, and how often I want it with my perfect man as opposed to doing it to myself .... Gee, that's a hard one! I think we'd all prefer self-gratification and bad sex with terrible lovers over a relationship with a sex god (or goddess).


13. Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?

This is called "Stalking," my friend. Stalkers should be publicly flogged by their victim 100 times with a catoninetails while naked.


14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?

No. I protect myself and my family by keeping my cyber sex safe with McFreaky Anti-virus and Moanton Trojan Filters.


15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?

It happens in men when the blood leaves one head and shifts to another. However, everyone knows you should be able to compose a thesis or bake a cake while getting laid.


16. Do you lose time from work for it?

Only if it's good.


17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?

More importantly ... Does Vin Diesel??


18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?

Depends. Was it good and will there be a round 2?


19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?

I refuse to answer on the grounds I will totally get into deep shit.


20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

Does it count if you have the cuffs on but never make it to the station?


For the record: #10 and I have become great friends.

Next up: The 12 Steps To Rehabilitation! Because, like, why the hell would you want to actually have sex for fun???

Moron #14: Bible Belt Prudes!

This is one of those things that finds its way into the category of "WTF?! ... Where do I get one? .. I would never! ... What's the number?"

The Trojan Vibrating Touch Massager.

Of course, we've all seen the commercial by now (and if not go here), but what you may not know is that this nifty little self-gratifying - or couple's playtime - gadget is just too taboo for bible belt Christians. You know the kind - the same ones who read my erotica on a regular basis just to tell me I'm evil ... while leaving requests for BDSM.

From Wikipedia:

"A Bible Belt is a typically informal term for an area in which socially conservative Christian, Evangelical,Protestantism is a dominant or pervasive part of the culture. The term "Bible Belt" was coined by the American journalist and social commentator H.L. Mencken in the early 1920s. In particular, in the United States it is an idiom for the region where the Southern Baptist Convention denomination is strongest, usually meaning the South and nearby areas. However, many other church denominations are represented, such as Church of Christ Assemblies of God. In the United States the bible belt usually includes all of the southern states and often parts of their neighbors. The following states are usually considered part of the 'Bible Belt.' Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Southern Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia"

Just another example of stupidity by backasswards people with nothing better to do than attempt to control the lives of others. Just because you suck in bed, Billy Bob, it doesn't mean Daisy Mae isn't entitled to a little fun!

And OH! What fun she is promised:

"Petite and discreet, from the brand you trust most, the Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is the perfect little aid to create big pleasure, providing thrilling vibrations right at your fingertips. This small yet powerful vibrator, Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® personal fingertip massager features unique textures and gentle, rhythmic vibrations to add increased stimulation."

"Small yet powerful" .... Lots of men just turned to their lovers and said, "See?? I told you size doesn't matter!"

But that's not all!

"Everything you need from Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Complete with a personal plush storage pouch, two batteries and a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom, the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is ready for use and is shipped discreetly to your door."

ZOMG!!!1!! Two batteries AND a condom! And not just any condom - a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom! Because sex is ALL about us .. Deal!

In following the links and reading the description of condoms (because I like to read and I like to read about sex and I like to read about condoms because I like to imagine what it would be like to be "on the market" and in need of one), I came across this line: "Each condom is individually tested to help ensure reliability."

If any statement would make someone monogamous or justify never using a condom, that would be it. I threw up a little in my mouth. I think they should, at least, include a DVD of the testing in with the package.

Moving on...

If that's not enough, ladies, you get a plush storage pouch not unlike this one:

But thankfully NOT like this one:

Though actually like this:

If all that hasn't convinced you the Vibrating Touch is a must-have (and how could you pass up the free condom for your $19.99 purchase?!), here's testimonial from an actual Sexpert! ("Logan" is a woman, by the way, which TOTALLY compromises my "me-time" fantasies of Wolverine! Bitch!):

"See what Sexual Health Expert & Certified Sex Educator, Logan Levkoff, has to say about the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager: 'It’s a small finger vibe that is easy to use with a partner or by yourself.' 'Use it anywhere you would use a normal vibrator or massager.' 'Having an orgasm allows us to be fully engaged in sex, feel good about our bodies, feel good about our sexuality, and all of that translates to a better relationship with our partners.' 'A recent Berman Center study found a link between vibrator use and overall well being. American women aren’t only using vibrators but they contribute to their health as well.' 'Sexual pleasure isn't just about feeling good, it's essential to our sexual health and thankfully we now have the power to have both at our fingertips.' The Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager 'helps you and your partner add heightened pleasure, together.' "

Look! It's a doctor's note! Who needs psychiatry when you get an orgasm from a piece of energized plastic?! Brings new meaning to the Energizer Rabbit. It seems soooo perfect for me! I feel another #10 moment coming on ...... Oh, wait, what's this.....?:

Q. Can I use the TROJAN® Vibrating Touch fingertip massager more than once? A. Yes. The batteries in this product will last up to 30 minutes. Batteries are available online or at your local retailer - look for size LR41 or equivalent (AG3, 192, 392). See Tips at Your Fingertips for instructions on changing the batteries in your fingertip massager, as well as information about keeping your fingertip massager clean and ready to use.

WTF?! I don't even replace the batteries in my watch because of the hassle! I buy cheap watches (under $12) because when the battery runs out, I buy another one. And this little fucker (literally) wears down after 30 minutes?! I have to go on safari for batteries every 30 minutes?! Well, this is just bullshit. Looks like it's back to the basics. Put an ad in the paper for free sex tapes of Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson to the first caller and set the phone to vibrate ...... Good times ....

Moron #13: Viacom, You Silly Entertainment Nazi's, You!

(Originally Posted 2008)

I'm all for respecting copyrights. As a writer and artist, I know how violated the creator of something feels when their stuff is stolen, tweaked, and then passed off as someone else's.

THIS, however, is just insanely funny. Brings back memories of Metallica going after 11 year olds for downloading their music. Ahhh.... Big business. I don't know about love but I can sure smell the greed! As pathetic as it is, though, I can't stop laughing at this article and at Viacom's words.

Especially this priceless comment: "Viacom said it had identified more than 150,000 unauthorized clips of copyrighted programming — including 'SpongeBob SquarePants,' 'South Park' and 'MTV Unplugged' episodes and the documentary 'An Inconvenient Truth" — that had been viewed "an astounding 1.5 billion times.' "

*GASP* Not 1.5 billion times! Oh, the horrorrrrr!!!! ROFLMAO Get the stick out your ass, Viacom. Why do you think the popularity in your less-than-mediocre shows is flourishing? Get over yourself long enough and you'll realize this is free publicity! Sit down, STFU, and join the rest of us in 2008.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOOGLE: VIACOM'S YOUTUBE SUIT THREATENS FREEDOM
By LARRY NEUMEISTER, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 35 minutes ago

NEW YORK - A $1 billion copyright infringement lawsuit challenging YouTube's ability to keep copyrighted material off its popular video-sharing site threatens how hundreds of millions of people exchange all kinds of information on the Internet, YouTube owner Google Inc. said.

Google's lawyers made the claim in papers filed in U.S. District Court in Manhattan as the company responded to Viacom Inc.'s latest lawsuit alleging that the Internet has led to "an explosion of copyright infringement" by YouTube and others.

The back-and-forth between the companies has intensified since Viacom brought its lawsuit last year, saying it was owed damages for the unauthorized viewing of its programming from MTV, Comedy Central and other networks, including such hits as "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart."

In papers submitted to a judge late Friday, Google said YouTube "goes far beyond its legal obligations in assisting content owners to protect their works."

It said that by seeking to make carriers and hosting providers liable for Internet communications, Viacom "threatens the way hundreds of millions of people legitimately exchange information, news, entertainment and political and artistic expression."

Google said YouTube was faithful to the requirements of the 1998 Digital Millennium Copyright Act, saying the federal law was intended to protect companies like YouTube as long as they responded properly to content owners' claims of infringement.

On that score, Viacom says Google has set a terrible example.

In a rewritten lawsuit filed last month, Viacom said YouTube consistently allows unauthorized copies of popular television programming and movies to be posted on its Web site and viewed tens of thousands of times.

Viacom said it had identified more than 150,000 unauthorized clips of copyrighted programming — including "SpongeBob SquarePants," "South Park" and "MTV Unplugged" episodes and the documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" — that had been viewed "an astounding 1.5 billion times."

The company said its count of unauthorized clips represents only a fraction of the content on YouTube that violates its copyrights.

It said Google and YouTube had done "little or nothing" to stop infringement.

"To the contrary, the availability on the YouTube site of a vast library of the copyrighted works of plaintiffs and others is the cornerstone of defendants' business plan," Viacom said.

Let me state now that I cannot stand YouTube's handling of ANYTHING! They allow pedophiles and predators free reign to post child porn and comments with sick remarks about child rape. They do NOTHING to guarantee owners of videos not be ripped off, including companies like Viacom. So, that statement that they go beyond what they are expected to do is bullshit.

That being said, companies like Viacom are getting free publicity. I just don't understand why they can't get that through their heads. It's like when a writer of a book or screen play has to pay a company if they use their name or product in their story. WTF?! This is FREE publicity! It's a commercial that the company doesn't have to pay for! Bands and musicians demanded MySpace and other sites forbid the use of Project Playlist because the songs are not permitted to be shared online. WTF?! It's FREE PUBLICITY! Over half of the CD's I've bought in the last 2 years has been specifically because I heard songs on Project Playlist that I hadn't heard on the radio.

Seriously, Viacom, you are one big gigantic corporate dumbass! You and other companies like you can't see the forest for the trees because you're so damned greedy, and that is why you deserve a spot on my Moron list!

Moron #12: Lawyer Sues Delta, But What Kind of Lawyer Is He?

(Originally posted May 2008)

Okay, I applaud this guy. Really, I do. Airlines are getting worse and have their heads shoved so far up their asses, shows like "Airline" featuring the ever incompetent Southwest actually think they are in the right - even with millions of viewers seeing how shitty they really are.

Not to mention, I've had severe issues that also included my elderly father and dealing with United, my husband was treated badly and his luggage lost on Delta, and Northwest employees totally ignored my request for them to check on a black briefcase left by a man who set it down, looked around, and walked off - and this was 8 months before 9/11 and after hearing announcements in the airport asking customers to report such behavior.

Well, I'm reading this article and feeling for the guy and hoping he wins. Then I get to the last paragraph and my logic bells vibrate my ears. THIS guy is a LAWYER?? Is he like Doogie Howser of law? Because if this really is how he worded his legal lawsuit papers, I really hope he's never in charge of life altering cases. I'm getting the image of a diploma on his wall from the Correspondence Legal Institute of the Cayman Islands. LMAO

~~~~~~~

LAWYER SUES DELTA FOR RUINING FAMILY VACATION

Wed May 28, 1:37 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A New York lawyer is suing Delta Air Lines for $1 million, saying his family vacation turned into a nightmare after they were stranded in an airport for days and treated disdainfully by airline employees.

Richard Roth, who filed the lawsuit on behalf of himself and his mother, said he planned the Christmas 2007 trip to Buenos Aires to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday. She had grown up in the city, but had not returned in years, he said.

Instead, Roth, his two teenage children, his wife and mother spent three days in airports, went days without their luggage, were treated rudely by airline employees and were forced to spend $21,000 on unused hotel rooms in Argentina, replacement clothes, and other costs.

"Through its gross negligence, malfeasance and absolute incompetence, Mr. Roth holds Delta responsible for ruining his vacation," said the lawsuit, filed in New York state court.

Delta Air Lines Inc had no immediate comment.

Roth said that he has been in touch with Delta about getting reimbursed, but was repeatedly rebuffed. He told Reuters on Wednesday filing the suit was a last resort.

After the initial flight from New York was delayed by more than two hours, the family was not allowed to board their connecting flight in Atlanta, Roth said.

A Delta employee "literally walked away chuckling that he had left them stranded," he said.
After waiting in the airport for hours, Roth was told the next available flight would depart more than two weeks later.

He then booked a flight through a different airline and arrived in Argentina three days later than planned. The family was not reunited with their luggage for more than five days.

"Suffice it to say, Mr. Roth's elderly mother was a mess. And she has been suffering ever since. The kids are all upset. And it was Christmas Eve. Mr. Roth had spent one-half of his vacation in Buenos Aires chasing Delta and its incompetent representatives," the lawsuit said.

(Reporting by Edith Honan, Editing by Sandra Maler)

Now, he has a point, really, but this was supposed to be in an official lawsuit affidavit? "And..And.. And..." Sad. Seriously sad. Not the biggest moron but he deserves a Moron Award, none-the-less, simply for sounding like a 5 year old tattling that his older brother threw away his gum wrapper collection.

How To Deal With Waiting Room Morons

(Originally posted September 2006)

Rule #1: Mention to a particular annoying person that you just ate Mexican, and to please excuse you for your upset stomach in the event you cannot control your bodily functions.

Rule #2: Get on the cell phone and say in a really depressed voice,"I don't know...the doctor said it's not contagious, so I decided to get out today. Yeah, the burning still hurts and it's starting to ooze this weird green stuff. What?! George has it, too? Oh, shit! I just saw him this morning! The doctor was wrong!"

Rule #3: Pretend to have Turrets...and direct your symptoms toward anyone who comes near you.

Rule #4: Don't shower for 2 days and play with a wet dog on your way over.

Rule#5: Stick to their every word... and I mean EVERY word:

"I have a..."

"Boil? Hemorrhoid? Mental malfunction?"

"...son..."

"Wow!"

"Um, yes, so he came over...."

"Really? Wow!"

".... and cut..."

"His hand? Your hair? The cheese?"

"... the lawn!"

"Ooooooo..... fascinating!"

..... you get the idea.


Rule #6: Have a debate about the differences between apples and oranges aloud with yourself, and make sure you seriously disagree with yourself.

Rule #7: If seated beside them, stay there. If not, move to a seat beside them. Then turn toward them and lean in. Stare into their eyes as they speak with a look that suggests every word they say is like a heavenly chorus to your ears. Blow into their ear then pretend it was a silly mistake. Comment frequently on their eyes and how nicely their mouth moves. This should especially work on members of the same sex.

CAUTION!: This one MAY backfire! If so, refer to #3 or #1. This one can also be combined with #4 and #1 if they do not work alone.

Rule #8: Start break dancing. If you know how, pretend you don't. This one may actually earn some pocket change. People tend to throw hard earned money at no-talent hacks.

Rule #9: Pretend you are having phone sex on your cell.... Oh, wait...that didn't work..

Rule #9 (fixed): Pretend you are having phone sex on your cell with your dog. If it doesn't work... Run like hell!

Rule #10: Bring someone you secretly can't stand with you. If someone starts irritating you, tell them, "Oh, I have a serious headache, but my friend would looove to hear all about it!"

Rule #11: In a low - but audible - voice, speak into your cell and pretend you are an undercover CIA agent there to spy on someone in the waiting room. Explain to your superior that you aren't sure who it may be but you know it will be the first person who speaks to you. You can't stress enough to your boss how badly you will kick this low-life's ass as soon as they make themselves known to you.

Rule #12: Recite the rules of anger management in a rough and frazzled voice while pulling desperately at your hair and rocking back and forth.

Rule #13: Take a rock with you. When someone starts to speak to you, begin to pet it and ask if they would like to pet it, too. Explain how it saved your life by dialing 911 when you tried to kill yourself with a paper airplane.

Rule #14: As soon as someone starts talking, ask if they want to see your tattoo. If they ask where it is, tell them you haven't gotten it yet. You need the blood of your next victim to make the red more realistic.

Rule #15: If you're a guy and an annoying woman starts hitting on you: lean close and whisper, "Hey...do you have a tampon? The damn hormone pills haven't taken care of that part yet, and surgery isn't until next month."

If you're a girl and an annoying man starts hitting on you: lean close and whisper, "Hey, bruh.... do these look real? I just got them yesterday. That was the easy part. It's when they cut off my dick and tucked in my balls that hurt like hell!"

If this one doesn't work... well... just be happy you didn't get hit into next week!

Moron #11: It's Bootyshitalicious!

(Originally posted August 2006)

Guess where I was for this inspiration? What? What? Did someone say Wal*Mart? Why, that is correct! What can I say? It has the best selection of material!

There I was walking along minding my own business, watching some of the freakiest damned people around as they seemed to all come out on this particular Saturday. I was seeing one half-naked skank after another, feeling like I had stumbled upon Flesh Fiesta Saturday at Wal*Mart.

You know, it's one thing if you have the body for it - still skanky but not so traumatizing. When a woman has large rolls of fat hanging out of BACKLESS tanks, spaghetti strap laces being hidden beneath each, it's just not right!

When a woman has a beer belly pushing out over her belly jeans and from beneath her halter top, it's just not right!

When a woman has "love handles" the size of rowboat paddles hanging over spandex hiphuggers, it's just not right!

When a woman has an ass the size of Canada crammed into a pair of Daisy Duke's with the word "Bootylicious" written across the western and eastern hemispheres, IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!!!

I had just passed up a woman with a gaggle of young girls all dressed like they were auditioning for an under-age strip club, thinking to myself it couldn't get much worse, when there before me at the next turn of an aisle was this pathetic creature I can only guess was supposed to be a man walking beside a more pathetic example of what creation had intended to be a woman.

She had the build of a lifelong trucker dude, yet she had the balls to wear a tight white tank top, red bra straps pushed into view and cutting into her shoulders, and a pair of tight pink sport shorts that....good gawd... had "bootylicious" across the ass!

Let me describe this for you:

She had the whole "tucked in with the tampon" look in the center, and when she turned around, what you could see beneath the overhanging belly was a camel-toe that would make a desert nomad proud!

I did my damnedest not to laugh. I swear. I even went the extra mile and turned around to do the rest of my shopping elsewhere until they left that area.

Well, my husband is an asshole. Seriously, learn that now - he wouldn't know "tact" if a dictionary opened to the definition smacked him. He had been on the other side, so had missed the shocking scene. When he joined me again, we went down another aisle for his coffee. Guess who was there?

My husband has no compassion for those who make total asses of themselves, he being one to do so quite often. So, as soon as Miss "Bootylicious" came into his line of sight, he started laughing his ass off. Not snickering or chuckling softly. No, it was a full out loud rumbling laugh.

Oh, wait, you didn't hear the best part. Though he embarrassed the crap out of me, I suppose most people wouldn't have been able to contain their laughter, especially once they realized she had a gigantic SHIT stain on her shorts! Yes, you heard me - a SHIT stain on the back of her ass!!! Just above the wedgie between her ass cheeks and the letters "y" and "l" ... and maybe "i" and "c"....at an angle...

He's still an ass. Why, you ask? Well, he was the one to notice the camel toe first. When he did, he did what came naturally. The m.f. fell on the floor laughing. I swear right there in front of frozen foods when we saw them again, he fell on the fucking floor in teary-eyed laughter!

Did they notice? Ya think?! No, they didn't say anything...just hurried away.

Look, I'm not going to win a beauty contest, and I really don't care to. I'm also not into making fun of how people look, but damn! You're also not going to catch me wearing something like that! Not only am I fully aware and not in denial of how I would look in something like that, but I have some damned dignity!

I'm so sick of seeing women wear shit like that. I actually saw a woman with "Got crabs?" written on her ass. It was a pair of sweats from a Crab Shack here. Still... WTF?!

"Sweet (Ass)", "Hot Cherry", "Kiss My (Ass)", "You Want My (Ass)".... The list for this trashy shit is endless! Get some damned dignity! It disgusts me even more to see young girls, children and teens, wearing this shit. I hold the parents responsible for anything that happens to them because of it.

And, hey! Bad taste does not discriminate among the races or multitude of shapes and sizes. I have seen plenty of thin, otherwise nicely figured women with the same lacking for dressing themselves correctly.

Just because you have rock hard abs and buns of steel, you don't have to have it all hanging out. Why bother wearing anything at all? Just because you'd look good on the cover of Maxim doesn't mean you aren't still a SKANK!

In closing I have to say that if I have gotten anything out of this experience, anything that will take the bite out of the horror I see every time I see a pair of shorts like those, it is this:

#1 I got great material for this post....

#2 I got to invent new words and terms like "bootyshitalicious", "tucked in with the tampon look," and "camel toe to make a desert nomad proud!"....

#3 My husband - the one who embarrassed the hell out of me with his uncontrollable, though humorous, outburst - can never again go down the coffee aisle without flashbacks of "bootyshitalicious", and....

#4...Just to make him suffer the way I suffered the embarrassment of him falling to the floor, I turned up the radio on the way home when Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" came on, replacing some words with "bootyshitalicious" and other such references to Moron #11.

Yeah, all in all, it was worth enduring Flesh Fiesta Saturday at Wal*Mart!

Moron #3 - #10: WalMart = Moron Central!

(Originally posted April 2006)

So, I'm walking through... Where, class? Wal*Mart! That's right!... walking through Wal*Mart the Wednesday before Easter weekend and was slammed with inspiration left and right! Wasn't too difficult with the crowd there that day, and I could barely keep up with the flood of words racing through my mind that I would use to describe these people.

I'd never experienced so many in one place at one time! I'm telling you, I felt like the guy who first discovered the Hope Diamond! Yeah, being surrounded by them was the equivellant of that curse, too.

Upon entering, I walk through my favorite section, Gardening.

Cue Moron #3...

This little boy was playing with the display of cacti - plural for cactus, just in case morons are reading ;). His father was so busy looking at the yard equipment, he failed to notice as his son's hand reached to grab the tall one covered with one inch spikes. I called out to the boy and shocked him enough make him stop and turn to look at me.

His dad, idiot that he was, glanced over, smiled at me, then went right on back to looking at the tools! I moved the buggy away from the display - yeah, little boy was in the buggy, Dad was about ten feet away! - gave the guy a "You're a dumbass!" glare, then went on my merry way toward the electronics department.

Cue Moron #4...

Ever play chicken with an old woman in a motorized wheelchair? Don't! Trust me, they don't give a shit! This little old lady was in the center of the main aisle with her eyes set on a checkout lane way at the other end and nothing, I repeat NOTHING was going to stand in her way!

I'm telling you, it was like watching a National Lampoon movie (before they got more stupid). She must have been going like 4 mph, plowing down anything and anyone daring to stand in her way. People were jumping left and right, displays were being strewn all over electronics and women's lingerie, small children were crying at the sight of Granny on her Vehicle of Death!

Ok...Ok... I'm exaggerating a little... but just a little! People were having to move out of her way, parents were pulling their kids aside, and an employee did have to move a new cardboard display that he had just set in the center.

In addition to my suggestion of making anyone over the age of 60 re-apply for driver's licenses every year, I'd like to now, also, add that anyone eligible to use one of these motorized mauling machines be given operating tests, as well. Right of way rules, arm-style turning signals, parallel parking... the whole package!

As I made it through the trail of mayhem and bodies, I passed the little girl department.

Cue Moron #5...

There in the aisle in front of me was a mom and her two daughters. The one who caught my eye was the 8/9 year old girl in hip huggers too short to actually be called "hip huggers" any longer, heels, strapless halter top, temp tats on her arms, hair pulled back and colored in blue and pink, earings from the lobe all the way across the rim to the top of each ear, rings on every finger, 2 or 3 gold necklaces, a stack of bracelets on each arm (yeah, yeah, the colored rubber kind), and make-up that would put a chorus line girl to shame!

Just as I'm rolling my eyes at any one who would allow their little girl to look like this, I hear the girl say, "Yo! Check out these jeans! Damn! My ass'd look fine in these, huh, Mom?"

GUH! I glared at them (they were blocking my way or else I would have hurried by before my mouth took on a mind of its own and expressed the ideas I'm sharing now) then looked at the mother. I mean, it's often said children learn from the example of their parents. Well, her dad must be a cross-dressing ho because the mom was wearing a very conservative blue lawyer-style suit, hair in a bun, modest make up, and hardly any jewelry.

The mom caught my look of disgust/awe, yet somehow translated it to mean I thought it was all cute. She smiled and moved the buggy so I could hurry the hell away from there, which I did.

Now.... I'm not sure which would be the moron - the mom or the daughter. Maybe the little girl's dad lets the girl behave that way. Maybe the woman is a step mom and isn't allowed to behave like a real mother. In any event, there is a definite moron in this picture somewhere!

I make my way ahead to my destination, the Easter section, where I soon encounter Moron #6...uh... and #7 (for good measure)...

As I was about to enter the aisle, I was cut off by a couple in their early 20's. They walked past slowly - you know, coz it's not like anyone else was shopping that day - and it was about this time that I noticed everyone they had walked by staring at them (snickering, pointing, rolling eyes, whispering in apparent disgust).

I paid more attention as they walked by me and that's when I saw it. Dude's hand was down the chick's jeans! I don't mean his hand was on her back with fingers doing a little seek and feel. His hand was down her jeans playing with her... well, we'll say Ass for now! I just.... There's really nothing.... How the hell do I comment on this one? Geez! And to think some people have a problem with KISSING in public!

I quickly walk into the aisle, trying to imagine ANYTHING less horrifying, and begin browsing the Easter candy. It was about this time Moron #8 entered the craziness of my current shopping experience.

This couple in their 30's were looking through the candy choices, and periodically the man would comment on what their kids might want... and the wife would shoot down every suggestion with replies like:

"Yes, you would pick that!"....
"Why? That's so lame!"....
"Over my dead body (I'm sure he wishes!)"....

At one point, the guy chuckled and mentioned how he thought an item was really cool, to which the bitch replied, "Don't worry, your mommy will get it for you. You're spoiled enough."

Awkward moment!

I glanced over out of curiousity to see if the other 6 or 7 people around us had heard and nearly all of them were staring at her in amazement. From the corner of my eye, I saw that he was staring at her like a beaten puppy, then he moved on to look at something else.

What did she look like? Ever see The Wizard of Oz? Nah..teasing... but seriously, she had this permanent scowl. She looked like she was born with the "I'm a bitch and proud of it" face!

Ok, so as I'm looking I realize I need eggs for coloring. Tempted to call her a heartless bitch, I hurried on to the aisle with the eggs and noticed an elderly woman going through each carton.

Cue Moron #9, though I really hesitate labeling her a moron because I'm going to be an old woman someday!

Anyway, I reached over and got my eggs, then moved aside to get some yogurt. As I was looking for what I wanted, I couldn't help but notice she was going through each carton. Every one of them. Now, everyone looks to make sure none are broken, but damn! There weren't that many messed up packages!

I lingered a bit more, remembering orange juice that's kept across the way. I looked on as she continued her actions as though she were confused.

I took care of my 91 year old grandmother after she had a stroke and until she died. Then, I looked after my 74 year old father until he died. I understand sometimes the mind fails to work for a bit and maybe she had no one to help her shop, so I went over to her and started some small talk.

It's my experience that elderly people don't come right out and ask unless you are already speaking with them. She never asked for my help, so I asked if she was finding what she needed.

She said, "Well, I don't know, dear. They all look the same."

Um....k... I said, "Yes, ma'am, except the size. Did you want me to get you one from the back where it's coldest?"

She said, "Oh, thank you, honey, but I've been through most of these. I just can't find the right one."

"Well, what are you looking for?" I asked. "Maybe I can help."

"Perfect eggs, hon, I just need perfect eggs."

Oooookaaaaay.... I decided to move along, figured she'd find the ones to suit her odd taste soon enough.

I decided to get some groceries for when my husband got home from cruise, so took care of all that. No more crazies for a bit, though I made kind of a shopping buddy when it seemed me and this guy kept ending up on the same aisles.

I got my bread and was about to leave when I remembered water. Gotta have my water!

Aaaallll the way back to the dairy section because stupid Wal*Mart can't ever figure out where to put the big packages of water and they figure, somehow, that Dairy is as good a place as any.

I'd been gone from this section about half an hour, yet guess who still hadn't found her "perfect" eggs. *siiiigh*

Got my water, hurried through the crowds trying not to see the dozen or so other idiots along the way (Geez! My mind can only retain so much crap at one time!), until I finally reached the checkouts. This is where Wal*Mart can, themselves, become a Moron on my list for having like 35 registers and only 10 open on even busy days like this!

Gotta reserve the list for more deserving individuals, though, like Moron #10...

As I'm looking for an open register without, like, 25 people in line, I pass this man who is supposedly on a cell phone. He is pacing in a slow circle with a cane and speaking quite loudly to the supposed person on the other end. Going on and on about "Jeeeeeesus, The allmiiiiiighty saveeeyore..." On and on!

I felt like I was listening to a sermon from a bible-thumping know-it-all jackass! The more it seemed no one was paying him any mind, the louder he spoke.

People were starting to laugh at him, most sneer and roll their eyes impatiently. This is Wal*Mart, for crying out loud! Come On! Unless you're preaching about how they charge different prices at the register than what's on the shelf, or how you can't pass a group of employees without hearing how much it sucks to work there or how this employee would like to beat another employee's ass, no one gives a shit!

Similar thing happened at Christmas time. In that instance, I spoke up and became a heroine to a number of people around me. No, didn't remark this time. I was just too damned tired and burnt out from the previous 9 morons and the ones I just didn't have the mental room to remember.

So, checked out, hurried to my truck, and got the hell home safe and sound from the world that morons built! Dammit!

Moron #2: Why Men Mock Women Car Owners

(Originally posted in March of 2006)

I don't know if I should call her Moron #2 or just rant about why most women irritate me. Maybe I'll just combine the two and call it, "Moronic Women". Well... it's not that she was stupid exactly as much as irritating... ok, nevermind, she was pretty stupid!

I brought my truck in to have the tires changed. They were supposed to have had the tires there already, and I even gave them 2 hours to get them there from another place across town. So what if those 2 hours were spent by me getting lost because I had never been in the area... they had time, none-the-less! Anyway, they didn't leave to get the tires until after I got there. This aided in my total wait time of 3 hours in a waiting room with one of the most obnoxious women I have ever had the torturous experience of speaking!

Cue Moron #2...

As I'm getting the papers to sign for them to work on my truck, this 40'ish woman walks up to the counter and in an even bigger southern drawl than me, says, "My car's not riiiite."

The mechanics behind the counter as well as the female manager stare at her for a moment, perhaps waiting for her to elaborate or in awe over her blondness....though she had short red hair.

After moments go by and she is still staring at them like a deer caught in headlights, one of the guys says,"Um...ok...well, what's going on?"

"It's makin' this rattle rattle chck chck sound... That's not riiiite, riiiiite?"

"When does it make that sound?" asks the mechanic as his buddies and the manager...and, yes, me, try to cover our mouths so we don't laugh RIIIIITE out.

Again, she looks at him as if the mouse in her dusty brain is calculating the words to form the answer on his rusty, rarely used wheel. Then, finally, after much time of awaiting her intelligent response she thought long and hard to configure, she says, "When I'm drivin' eeit."

It was at this moment the remaining two mechanics ran through the back door to the garage - the glass wall enabling me to see them bent over in laughter. The manager covered her laughter behind coughs, and me? Well....I'm not so capable of containing my laughter in the presense of stupid people. I laughed quite loudly - I think I even snorted, but I had my daughter there so I could easily pretend I was laughing at something she said.

He told her to hold on, had me finish signing my papers - looking up at me with a grin and biting his lip to prevent his own laughter, then continued on with her.

Knowing I would never be able to keep my mouth shut if I stayed there for more of her hollow explanations, I hurried with my daughter to the waiting room. I remember shaking my head in impatience and thinking to myself that women like this moron are why mechanics think so lowly of women car owners.

I bought my daughter a fruit drink and some fruit snacks, then busied myself watching the mechanics working on 2 cars that came before mine. I had also changed the TV channel to a cartoon to keep my daughter occupied, though she soon joined me to watch the cars being worked on.

5 minutes later, in walks my latest nightmare! I stared out the window in silent prayer to whatever divine force would be listening that this idiot would keep her mouth shut and mind on her own business. Well, not so when you have a very friendly and inquisitive child!

"My name's ******. What's yours?" she said, and my shoulders dropped. This was going to be a looong wait!

"Well, Hi, ******! I'm Pam," she replied.

Ok, so she was nice enough. I'd give her a chance.

As I watched the mechanics, she continued talking to my daughter about cartoons and the fact that she was once a teacher and she had 2 daughters. She commented on my daughter's toy chick that cheeps when you squeeze it, saying her daughter had one like it, which she sleeps with every night.

My daughter said, "Really? I'm 5. How old's your little girl?"

"Oh, she's almost 19 now. All grown up."

Oh, dear God! This whole time she was talking about this particular daughter, anyone would have believed she was referring to a child my daughter's age: pink room with flowers on the wall, Barbie's for every season, Bratz dolls - God! I hate those stupid things! - even a Tinker Bell backpack...

Maybe it's because I never got into the whole girly girl thing growing up, but is it normal for an 18 going on 19 year old girl to have these things?!?!

I just bit my lip and tried not to ask obvious questions, like: Oh, is she mildly retarded? Did she go through some sort of trauma that won't let her age mentally? Is she a spoiled little prissy bitch?

When she asked my daughter, "Do you have any Barbies?" my ears perked up and I held my breath. Yes, she has a Barbie but...well...

My daughter answered politely, "Oh, yes. My Barbie, she plays with my Teen Titans and they go *bam* *bam* *bam* on her and kick her butt, and Starfire beats her up all the time coz she doesn't want her to steal Robin. I like my Teen Titans dolls and my Batman, Green Lantern, Wonderwoman... they're really cool. Mommy got them for me. And my Barbie. She's really cool, too. I like taking off her head."

I could start to taste the blood from my lip, having been biting down so hard to keep from laughing, until I heard the woman actually gasp! I quickly grabbed my water and drank to prevent the innevitable laughter begging to be freed.

"Oh," was the only thing the woman could say. Then, she started to piss me off. "Do you watch a lot of shows like Teen Titans and Batman on TV?" she asked in a tone that seemed to smack of judging and concern. It didn't surprise me, though. I mean, here's a woman whose NINETEEN year old still sleeps with infant toys and Barbies!!!

I moved away from the window and sat down near them, bracing myself to come to the defense of my daughter and my mothering skills.

"Oh, yeah. I watch Teen Titans and Justice League with Mommy all the time. We like it. Oh, and Yugi Oh and Franklin and Krypto the Super Dog."

The woman said, "Don't you watch things like Cinderella and Snow White and Bambi?"

"Yeah, those are good. I like Starfire and Raven and Wonder Woman and Batman, too."

"But you're a little girl. You should be into princess things and pink and tea parties, not those stupid boy things."

Uhhh....K, you bitch! Here's where Mommy decided to chime in.

"Well, I don't want MY nineteen year old sleeping with dolls and worrying about manicures when she should be concentrating on expanding her brain and working on getting a professional, grown up job." I didn't say it in a catty way, and I even smiled.

"Oh, my daughter's in college," she said in her defense.

"Really? That's nice," I replied like I gave a shit.

"Yeah," she sighed thoughfully, "she's going to College in Miami."

"That's nice," I replied again, not really interested in what the hell her daughter was doing.

"Yeaaahh...," she sighed again. "She's coming up for Spring Break. She said they may be a few days late because it's hard getting through the Spring Break crowd around Fort Lauderdale, Daytona Beach and Panama City, and she and her friends don't want to mess around with that crowd, you know. She's a good girl."

Ok.... Miami... Ft. Lauderdale.... Daytona Beach... Panama City?! Um.... do I need to post a map or does anyone see something entirely wrong with the route to mommy's house in Virginia from the University of Miami? and during Spring Break! Good girl, my ass!

I just stared at the woman as if in a trance trying to figure out if I should be the one to break it to her that her daughter was probably a whore or just let her see it on the "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.

I guess she read some of what was on my mind because she replied to my blank stare, "Oh, no, she won't be doing anything bad. Her boyfriend is actually going down from North Carolina to meet the girls to see they make it here safely."

Oh..My...God! I don't care what anyone says about parents being overly trusting, I will not be this stupid when my child gets to be a teenager!

I just nodded and smiled and looked back out the window. Somehow, she took my silence as an invitation to then tell me all about her life, at least the parts consisting of manicures, day spas, trips to tropical islands, disastrous hair days, clothes that fit one day and don't the next...

For God's sake, woman! Children are being abused and families are dying in the streets every day in this coutry but all you care about is that your new fucia chenille sweater will be out of style next winter?!

God help me but if she mentioned anything about collecting beannie babies, I would have hurled in her lap...then climbed onto my soap box about the futility and greed of spending hundreds of dollars on TOYS when people in this country are dying every day of starvation and incurable diseases!

She asked if I had been to some new store in the mall that sells really cute shoes and hand bags. I told her I don't get into shoe collecting - give me my black boots, sneakers for working out, one pair of sandals, and two pairs of heels, some polish to keep them nice, and I'm good until they wear out. She just couldn't understand this concept, but continued anyway.

"Well, there's this group I belong to..." (oh, shit...here it comes!) "... We're just a bunch of house wives, most Navy, and we get together and have baking contests, play Bingo at church, get our nails done and our hair done together. You should come along."

Oh, for the love of... ! I'm freakin' 32! Not 62! What about my demeanor led this woman to think I would be into that kind of thing? I drive a truck, had on black boots and jeans, black and white athletic shirt...of course, my hair was pretty, nice make up, long silver earrings ... I'm a woman, after all, but nowhere does it say women have to be shallow and materialistic, thank you! There's life in this world and I intend to be part of it, not some quilting-bee at a church social, where the men-folk talk about cars and women, and the females gab about breast feeding and their "monthly visitor".

I shook my head and politely replied, "No, thank you. I'm just not into that kind of stuff."

"Oh, well, we go bowling, too!"

Like that helps?!

This went on for about an hour and a half until they called her away. She was gone and I was left in peace.

Some time went by before a guy came in to wait on his car. I was at the window and he sat down across the room. Just as I was thinking how nice it would be for my daughter to start a conversation with him, SHE came back! DAMMIT!!!

She returned to her seat and began to inform me that they found the reason for the noise. Apparently she had tried to check her oil level and left the cap loose ... or something. I'm not sure what she was trying to say, but it had something to do with a loose cap. She decided, then, to let them change her oil since the only kind of oils she knew about were hair and vegetable. Geez!!!

I took a deep breath as she expressed her annoyance of how the mechanics expected her to be able to tell them anything about her vehicle when all she should have to worry about is filling up the tank.

Holy Mother of Zeus! Every word out of this woman's mouth was like nails on a chalk board!

She starts talking again and I do as my voice of survival instructs me: take out my cell phone and start IM'ing. Does it work? Of course not. I can't be that lucky.

I ignore her as I'm instant messaging a bounty-hunter/ex-sniper friend to ask how I can kill her with no one knowing, until she mentions something about movies.

She asked my daughter if she had seen Zathura. My daughter said, "No. Me and mommy saw a monster movie with a vampire... RAWR....and werewolf ... GRRRR... and they beat each other up and there was blood and they kissed and it was really good. I like vampires and werewolves." (Underworld 2)

My child....dear sweet little girl... *wiping away a tear at the corner of my eye* ... so proud *sniff*... Then busy-body airhead had to go and shatter the moment!

"Oh my! Well... don't you go see movies like cartoons and with girls like Lindsay Lohan?"

"Oh, yeah, those are good," said my daughter ....but that didn't make me happy because of the insinuations of this woman. My child is very girly but she likes boyish things, too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I said, "Yeah, but we mostly watch things like Underworld and Transporter and Batman, Van Helsing...things like that. Hellboy was her favorite at one time..."

"Oh, gosh! That was such a stupid movie!" she sneered.

"Oh, it was pretty awesome," I replied simply. "We used to watch it over and over. She wanted Hellboy as her boyfriend."

Wish I had a camera at just that moment so I could enjoy the look on her face over and over.

She stood then and walked to the TV to change the channel.

"I'm trying to find Oprah. I just love her!" she said.

"Oh, I don't like talk shows," I said.

"Me either. I hardly watch."

I just looked at her kind of funny and glanced over at the guy, who was looking at her funny,too. Didn't she just say she loved Oprah?

She couldn't find anything but the news, and they were talking about oil and gas prices. She continued to flip and commented as she did, "I don't understand that stupid stuff about oil and the price of gas. I mean, what does oil have to do with gas? It's stupid!"

My eyes got big and my jaw dropped in astonishment. I looked back at the guy to see the very same look on his face. He looked at me and we both just shook our heads.

She sat back down and started talking to me some more, then turned and started talking to him. I leaned over, caught his eye, and mouthed the words, "HELP ME!"

Who said chivalry is dead! He took the bullet for me and started a conversation with her. It didn't take him long, though, to think, "Fuck this!" and sign into his own cell phone.

She turned back toward me and I got back on my instant messenger.

FINALLY!!! They called her for the last time!!! Her car was done and she was out of there.

I had to apologize to that poor guy. He came and sat next to me and said, "Man, what the hell was that?! I thought I could help you out but damn! I just couldn't do it anymore!"

I said, "Yeah, but did you notice that she didn't care?"

He said, "Yeah. How long were you in here with her?"

"About 3 hours"

"Holy shit! That sucks!"

He was really cool and we talked until both our orders were done.

And I left with a better understanding of why men laugh at women car owners.

As a damned good driver and one time undefeated only girl street racer as a teen, women like this are a bad name to us all. If any should be reading this, learn about cars, learn to drive, learn about the world, and stop believing life revolves around shopping and the salon! You do not represent REAL women, and I am happy to announce your days are numbered!

Moron #1: Because fucktards need jobs, too!

(this was originally posted in February of 2006)

Maybe I'm bitter because so many jackasses have jobs and I don't, even with all my talents and skills ( um, no, THAT doesn't require a degree but if I were to get a job for it, well, that would just be illegal and downright trashy! Giving it away is much more dignified :D).

Still, it amazes me how stupid someone can be, and yet get a job that requires about 75% more brain function than they could ever hope to acquire.

I went to have my film developed the other day. I tend to procrastinate with having my film developed, so I usually walk in with between 8 -10 rolls of film at a time [thank God for digital cameras]. I chose this place because I like getting only CD's, and they are the only ones who offer that option in the town where I live. I had used them about a month ago on a rush job, 2 rolls I had to have on CD in an hour. They did fine so I went back.

Cue Moron #1 [there will be more].

This George Lucas look-alike came up to the counter, and I asked him, "How much will it be for just the CD, because that's all I want?"

"$2.87 per roll."

"And that includes one hour?" I asked.

"For just the CD and one hour, yeah."

"Ok, well that's what I want," I tell him.

He hands me the envelopes and I fill them out as I had a couple of weeks before.

I return an hour later and ask him if my CD's are ready.

"Did you drop them off today or were they for next day or what?" he asks.

Well, I don't expect people in his job l to remember every person they speak to, so I answered politely, "Yes, today, an hour ago."

He shuffled slooooooowly to the back drawer, thumbs through all the packages sloooooooowly, then shuffles back slooooooowly. I'm a very patient and considerate person, so this doesn't bother me - though his I-don't-give-a-damn-about-my-job-or-your-pictures attitude is quite clear to me at this point.

He hands them to me and I start to put them in the basket with my other stuff...until my clever little voice of caution says, "Look inside, you dumbass!"

Never wanting to argue with my wise guru of caution...ok, I do quite often, but let's move on... I opened one of the sealed envelopes. What do I find but developed pictures and one CD in each envelope.

Logic scrambles before caution and says, "Holy shit! Look at the price!" Always listening to THAT pushy SOB, I turned each pack over and saw prices ranging from $10 - $15 per pack!

The following is the actual conversation:

"Hey, I only asked for the CD."

"You didn't mark that on the envelope."

"Yes, I did. I only checked the box for 'Film on Cd'."

"But you didn't specify that's all you wanted."

"There are only 3 choices here: 4X6 prints...Film on CD...Reprints. I only checked 'Film on CD'."

"But you were supposed to specify in the instruction box that that's all you wanted."

"Nowhere on here does it say that."

"But it's policy that you get prints unless you specify otherwise."

"Where does it say that?"

"It's just policy."

"But Where...Does...It....Say...That?!"

"You were just supposed to say it on there."

"Well, I told you that's all I wanted."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." (jackass can't remember me when I walk up, but he can remember the conversation?!)

"You didn't say you only wanted CDs."

"I said to you, 'How much for just CD's because that's all I want'."

"Yeah, but you didn't say all you wanted was just CD's and no prints."

"I said, 'How much for JUST CD's because ....that's ....all...I ... want'!"

"But you didn't say you only wanted CD's and no prints."

I swear to God, that's what he said!

So, I'm looking at him like he is the most pathetic thing allowed to breathe my air, mostly with a stunned and stupified glare, when finally the woman who took my order last time leaned over and said, "Just take out the prints, shred them, adjust the price, and give her her CDs."

"But she didn't say that's all she wanted," he argued.

AAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!

"Just do it!" she said as she, too, looked at him like he was the dumbest creature on Earth!

I should also mention that there was some humor while I waited for Jackass to do as he was told.

There were two Church Of Christ guys having their film developed, too. So, there they were - black pants, crisp white shirt, black ties, brass name pin proudly displaying their religious affiliation, pocket bibles in their pockets, and turning red with anger over what had been done to their photos. Lost, as far as I could tell, and the store wasn't taking the blame.

I feel for them, really, but how humorous is that to see these guys bitching out a clerk after they were just going door to door preaching their heavenly Saviour's words of compassion and forgiveness?

As for jackass, the only good thing about him is the inspiration he gave me for a series on Morons, of which he has the distinct honor of being the first!

INTRODUCTION: The Code Of The Goddess

I'm a smartass. No, really, it's hard to believe because I'm such a demure wallflower, but I am. Contrary to the smartass, cocky, no-holds-barred chick you see here, I am a relatively nice and polite person. There comes a time, however, when society needs to hear the truth. Too much political correct bullshit is going on now, and it's made us all a bunch of pussies who can't hear the truth. How do we expect to better ourselves and evolve into a more beneficial and productive society when we forbid blunt honesty in exchange for kissing ass, even to people who commit crimes and make it their goal in life to destroy our communities and our country?

I will not go quietly into this darkness of ignorance and global dumbfuckery. Do something blatantly stupid and I'm going to call you on it if no one else does. It's one thing to be ignorant to something you just don't know, but when you refuse to learn and better yourself, you're just a dumbass dragging the rest of us down into your world of denial. This is not how we evolve. It is not how civilizations become great and thrive.

Sometimes my charming verbage is misunderstood, so here is a my own De-coder. It's a secret, though, so keep it to yourself. That's why I posted it on the net because everything stays private on the net, where everything is real and honest.

1. "#10" : Pertains to a "Sexaholic" test, in which #10 is in reference to being turned on by sexual innuendos (see "Sexaholism 101" post)

2. "Maroon" : For anyone who is or was a Bugs Bunny fan, you get this. Instead of saying "What a moron!", Bugs would say, "What a maroon!" Hey, I learned how to spell some pretty difficult words as a kid because of the way good ole Bugs would pronounce syllables individually .. except for "Maroon/Moron," of course.

3. "ZOMG!!1!!11" : Yeah, no. I do not actually speak or type or chat like this. I make fun of people who speak/type/chat like this; therefore, when I type this, I am mocking whatever crisis it is in regards to, and liking it to the illiterates who frequent the street rat speak.

4. "Minotaurs" : I have a thing for minotaurs. Even had a RP love affair with one, to which "good Christians" condemned me to hell for promoting bestiality (same "good Christians" who would request BDSM sex scenes and become outraged when I refused). Okay, A. In my fantasy, the middle parts are human, and B. *pssst..... shhhhh .... minotaurs aren't real ..*

5. "Predator": The movie character. I have a thing for him/it. I just do and let's leave it at that!

6. "Erotica" : ...Is not porn. It is intellectual stimulation which results in #10. I love to read it and I love to write it. Requests are welcome but I don't write for people I don't like or scenarios I don't agree with (like BDSM).

7. "I had the weirdest dream!" : For the record, I always have weird dreams. For some odd reason, I feel compelled to state this as if it's the first time it has ever happened.

8. "436" : The number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Swear to god, I really did count. It was a boring Halloween night. What can I say? Even made a stamp to commemorate it:


9. "ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" : Among the multitude of animal sounds I can make, the bleating sheep is my best. It, also, is sexual in origin. Looooooong ago at an age far far away, I used to read Cosmopolitan magazine. Now that I know the way the real world works and how real people are, I don't resort to such dumbfuckery, but anywho.... There was an article about things women would do to turn on their men. This one woman said that in the middle of another night of mundane sex, she got this irresistible urge to bleat like a sheep. You know, because most people think of acting out farm animals during sex. Well, apparently, her boyfriend got so turned on, he became more attentive and gave her the pounding of her life. (her words) And so, hence forth, when she was in the mood, she would bleat like a sheep and no matter what they were doing, he would become so turned on, they would sneak away for sex. I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I think I would have been a little offended - and concerned - that the herder wanted to fuck the sheep instead of Little Bo Peep.

10. "Dumbfuckery" : I think this is relatively easy to comprehend and many people use it. I just use it excessively sometimes as the overall illiteracy of the human race annoys me so much.

11. "Horseshit" : I use this in place of bullshit when I think there is so much nonsense, comparing it to mere bull excrement just isn't enough. Why, no, I have not compared actual bull and horse crap. I just noticed one day with humor that when a horse is running - faster and with more agility than a bull - and he has to take a crap, he does so and it flies all over the place. Quite messy and an eeewwwwness factor of 10 (not to be confused with "#10" .. eww).

12. "Shy" : Means I just hate people. Go away.

13. "Ruler of ALL" : Seriously, not kidding. I have an obsession with ruling the world. If you just pissed on yourself it's because you know you'll be among the first to go.


14. "Don't make me smack your ass" : Applies to men only and is really a request to do so.

15. "Bitch/Jackass/What an ass" : All in jest. If I am really pissed off at you, I'll throw out a bitchfest of a rant, not just throw out a random slur. Such usage often leads to a thread consisting of back-and-forth slut/whore/freak/cunt/tramp/asswipe/dork/fuck off/etc..... Not a game for the kiddies, though the maturity level is clearly not too much older. And in the case of "What an ass," this often is a double meaning and intended only for men.

16. "Piss off/bloody hel" : I used to talk to a lot of Europeans. It rubbed off.

17. "Hel" : As opposed to "Hell" because "Hel" is the origin of the "Hell" of Christianity. It is the world of the dead overseen by Helheim, Loki's daughter.

18. "That's nice" : Drips with sarcasm. The origin of this remark as a secret eye roll is this joke:

One day these two fine southern ladies were sitting on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "That's nice."

The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."

The second woman again replies, "That's nice."

"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" asks the first woman.

"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."

"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.

To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelery their husband gave them or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a damn, but now I say that's nice."


19. The Moron list: This began back in 2006 when I used to blog about the annoying people of society. Unfortunately, I lost a good portion of them because I only saved the ones I needed to bring into Word to work on for grammatical mistakes. I had over 25. No worries. With the excessive dumbfuckery one experiences on any given day, I shall reach that goal again shortly!

20. Flirting: I do it often but is not to be taken seriously, which is why I only flirt with men I know can handle the fact that it's just kidding around. The moment a guy starts to get vulgar in the flirting, or if I try to have a decent conversation and he continues with sex talk, I'm done. Get a clue, guys: Aggressive flirting is a turn off!

21. Batman!: I am OBSESSED! My ultimate fantasy involves Vin Diesel as Riddick in a Batman costume. GAWD!!!

22. "Dick Flick": Because if guys can say "chick flick," I will say, "dick flick!" Of course, I'm not one for the sappy romance. I'm more of a Transformers, Underworld, XXX, Transporter, Fast and the Furious, Riddick, and comic to movie films person. Guess that makes me a chick who likes dick ... flicks.


That's all I can think of for now. I'll add as I remember more.