Fetishes: Breakfast and Gays

In Walgreens just now getting a mini pizza and ice cream for a quick (bad) breakfast. I feared criticism from the super hot manager as I walked up to the register. At that moment, a guy with a pink polo - collar popped, pastel pink and blue plaid shorts, and hot pink lady's keds walked in. He proceeded to get a box of KY's His/Her  lube at the same counter as he spoke to his boyfriend on his cell about the blow job he will give him. I was quickly forgotten.

P.S.: Before you go thinking I'm a homophobe..........

Texts From Last Night Top 25 (8-21-09)

My awesome friend, Strings, turned me on to this site: Texts From Last Night. I am now officially addicted! This has the potential of going one of two ways: Cheer me up when I'm having a bad day, seeing the total dumbfuckery of morons in the world who deserve spots on my Notable Moron list; or Piss me off seeing the total dumbfuckery of morons infesting the planet who deserve spots on my Notable Moron list. It's a win/win either way!

I'm going to start posting my top 25 favorites texts each week, starting today:


(617): So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"


(314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?


(903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
(214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
(903): I'll be there in 10


(412): waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein


(216): So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
(1-216): Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
(216): Take that integrity


(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??


(518): when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
(1-518): i pity the fetus.


(516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"


(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.


(215): It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
(610): Wrong number and your a loser


(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...


(330): Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up


(661): Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.


(651): Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together


(215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
(267): I know she was great


(312): if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself


(949): i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"


(734): I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
(231): the cocktail of hope


(203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you


(858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.


(773): our cab driver is having phone sex.


(215): i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie


(816): I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up


(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
(1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Moron #18: "Dude, Shhh! The Crackas Voted You In!"

Coming in at fucktarded Moron #18, your epic failure of a president and mine, Obama fucking up AGAIN! And this time he decided to shoot himself in the foot whilest shoving it deeply into his mouth (Click headlines for full stories - too much for me to copy/paste in their entirety):

Obama: Police Acted 'Stupidly' in Gates Case

President: Harvard Professor's Arrest Highlights Race Inequities

President Barack Obama says police in Cambridge, Mass., acted "stupidly" this week when they arrested Harvard University professor Henry Louis Gates, someone they knew was in his own home.

In the final question of a live prime time news conference this evening that largely dealt with health care, Obama was asked about the Gates case.
"My understanding is that Professor Gates then shows his I.D. to show that this is his house and, at that point, he gets arrested for disorderly conduct, charges which are later dropped," Obama said.
Police dispute the extent of Gates' cooperation, saying he didn't initially provide identification when asked and berated the police.
However, Obama continued, "I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played in that [Gates case]. But I think it's fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, number three, what I think we know separate and apart from this incident is that there's a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately. That's just a fact."
Though Obama questioned Gates' arrest, he said the Cambridge, Mass., police acted appropriately in initially responding to the call that a man was seen forcibly entering the Gates home.

Apparently, that wasn't enough to stoke the racism angle because Obama felt the need to just keep stoking the fire:

Saying that while African-Americans and Hispanics are more frequently stopped by police, Obama said, "That doesn't lessen the incredible progress we've made. I'm standing here as testimony to that. And yet the fact of the matter is it still haunts us."

So, it's not enough that he's the first black president (but before he looked like he had a chance to win, the blacks kept bringing up his partially white heritage - like they are all 100 fucking %!)

Obama acknowledged that Gates is a personal friend and that since he was not present, he cannot know exactly what role race may have played in the incident.
But in Massachusetts today, police officers were raising questions about possible favoritism over the handling of disorderly conduct charges that were lodged and promptly dropped against the prominent Harvard scholar.

We know the score. Same shit happens with all friends of politicians, only this one has THE politician who also shares his need to play the race card, even though they both hold very respectable, very authoritative, very prominent positions!

The incident began when Cambridge Police Sgt. Joseph Crowley responded to a call about someone apparently trying to break into Gates' home.
Crowley said Gates called him a "racist cop" after he arrived at the house and asked the Harvard professor for identification. Gates is said to have refused by saying, "No I will not."
Gates then, according to Crowley, said he was being harassed because he is a "black man in America." As the confrontation escalated, Crowley was then joined by a Hispanic Cambridge police officer and a black sergeant, according to two high-ranking law enforcement officials who have been briefed on the case and Cambridge police reports.
Gates was arrested and booked on a disorderly conduct charge.
"The actions of the Cambridge Police Department, and in particular, Sgt. Joseph Crowley, were 100 percent correct,'' said Hugh Cameron, president of the Massachusetts Coalition of Police. "He was responding to a report of two men breaking into a home. The police cannot just drive by the house and say, 'Looks like everything is OK.'
"Sgt. Crowley was carrying out his duty as a law enforcement officer protecting the property of Professor Gates, and he was accused of being a racist," Cameron added. "The situation would have been over in five minutes if Professor Gates cooperated with the officer. Unfortunately, the situation we are in now is the environment police work in now."
Jim Carnell, a union representative for the Boston Police Patrolmen's Association, said cops are "furious at the way Crowley is being vilified."
"The officer's mindset when going in there is, 'Why was he breaking down the door?' Maybe there is a restraining order in place. Maybe Harvard University, who owns the house, changed the locks for some reason. The officer's job is to make sure everything is on the up-and-up,'' Carnell said.
"Mr. Gates should be grateful that the police responded and explained himself with some civil discourse," Carnell added. "It would have ended there. Instead, his arrogant, combative behavior gave the cops cause to wonder that something else was going on."

Wait, wait .. what's this? Could it be actual evidence there WAS a safety concern and a damned good reason for the officers to get the tenant/possible intruder from the house?:

A police source told ABC News that Gates' front door showed marks from where a previous break-in had occured there a month or two earlier.

Were the officers supposed to sit in their cars and call for forensics to poke at the crime scene to determine if it was old damage or new? Then, if there were criminals inside the home and Professor Dumbass was being throttled and ass raped while the officers were outside making sure not to step on anyone's racial sensitivities, they would be accused of forcing a poor ole black man to be assaulted because they just don't care about black folk. And what has become abundantly clear is that if you are black, you will get a free ride for anything you do now .. well, now more than even before:

A high-ranking Cambridge police official [...] said that Crowley followed standard operating procedure for a call of a burglary in progress.
"Let's face it," the official said. "This case has nothing to do with race. This is a man who has made some phone calls and the case went away. They treated him with kid gloves. Harvard University executives rushed to the police station to monitor the entire situation."
"They let him off the hook," the official added. "The mayor threw the department under the bus. She might as well open the city's checkbook. ... If Professor Gates was poor, he'd be in a jail cell."
[...]
But there are questions about the way the case was handled. David Frank, a former prosecutor and a writer for Massachusetts Lawyers Weekly, said it was "unusual" for a case to be "nul-processed" [charges dropped] without a court appearance. Gates was slated to be arraigned on disorderly conduct charges Aug. 26. He is now demanding an apology from Crowley instead.
"Legally, the prosecution made the right call," Frank said. "The issue, though, is that if Gates were an electrician from Everett and not a well-known professor from Harvard, the reality is that in all likelihood he would have to defend himself against the charges in a courtroom.
"He never even stepped into a courtroom and the charges were dropped," Frank added. "The fact that Gates is as well-known and as prominent as he is makes this case unusual."
Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick has publicly stated that he is friendly with Gates and Charles Ogletree, another Harvard University professor who is acting as Gates' attorney.
Simmons has said she is "outraged" at the arrest of Gates, who she also knows socially.
The remarks have raised questions about politicians intervening on Gates' behalf.

Ya think?! But wait! There's more! Even Gates saw that someone had, indeed, attempted to break into his home!:

Gates, who according to his lawyer had been trying to force open a jammed door, was inside the house when the Cambridge police officer got there.
[...]
The officers were sent to the house after a 911 call placed by Lucia Whalen Thursday afternoon. Whalen, who works at Harvard magazine, had reported that two "black men with backpacks" shouldered their way into a home on a tony, upscale Cambridge block -- one of the leafy neighborhoods that ring the college.
Gates, the director of Harvard's W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research, and former host of the PBS show "African American Lives," had just returned from a trip to China and found the front door of his home jammed, according to Ogletree.

Now, you know there wouldn't be a story about the poor ole black folk being victims of us racist crackas without Al Sharpton being involved!:

Gates has declined to discuss the incident, but the Rev. Al Sharpton, who spoke to the Harvard professor, told ABC News that Gates is "clearly upset and in a state of disbelief."

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

"Clearly upset...." Yeah, because after Obama got involved and then had second thoughts because he looked like a total dumbfuck, the quick fanning of the flames to protect Obama's image will now disrupt any chance Gates have of filing a lawsuit. How would it make him look to throw back Obama's smokescreen attempt to patch the racial fissure he helped create in this incident?

Yes, seems Obama has been finding out within a day of exposing more of his dumbfuckery that he really stepped in it this time! Clue for you, Fucktard - once you let the lightening out of the jar, there's no getting it back in! If you think this half-hearted, pathetic attempt at silencing any damned thing, you've really been out of the streets for far too damned long:

Obama moves to dampen uproar over comment on race

Moron #17: Get Off Of Michael Jackson's Dick! (it's reserved for children)

I could go on about the logic surrounding the certainty Michael Jackson molested and possibly raped children, but it wouldn't convince the brainwashed fucktards who refuse to listen to anything negative about their pop god. It, also, would be repetition for those of us who know the sick bastard did it and got off (both actually and figuratively) just because he was a rich celebrity.

Arguing the points of proof and opinion, psychology and demonology won't bring anything new to the table, so I choose, instead, to expose the dumbfuckery of those who support him, even to the point some are willing to KILL THEMSELVES because he died.

I have noticed one very important thing: black people will ALWAYS stand behind ANY black celebrity, regardless of what that person has done. Examples? OJ Simpson, Tupac, Notorious B.I.G., Michael Vick, R Kelly, Akon .... Need I go on? When white celebrities fuck up, EVERYBODY calls them on it! Nothing is said about the color of their skin, just their crime and how they deserve their punishment. When a black celebrity breaks the law, including murder and child rape, it becomes a "black thang" and all non-whites jump on the "it's racism!" bandwagon.

Even in the case of Obama. Sure, many whites voted for him, but the majority of the blacks who voted for him had NEVER VOTED BEFORE! They ADMITTED to only coming out to vote this ONE TIME because they wanted "A BLACK MAN IN OFFICE!" Forget politics, forget if he was qualified, all that mattered is that he was black. Who cares that he is well on his way to fucking up our nation? Whether you agree with that sentiment or not, if you don't agree that voting him in just because he was black, you are more than an idiot, you are a hypicritical RACIST. For decades, whites were accused of racism for not "letting" a black man be president. Now, blacks are voting for the less qualified presidential candidate just because he's not white - RACISM!!!

Honestly - and I say this in the least-racist way possible, but it has to be said because it is the behavior being exhibited - the black community bitches because it took them so long to get any rights in this country, but look what happens when they have them! There are people living under communist rule who would trade places with anyone in this country for the right to simply turn on their TV and hear uncensored news from around the world, not have pork or Johhny Depp images banned for being "violent" or "too sexy." These people would NEVER take the democratic processes for granted, and they would NEVER sell out their self-respect and the safety of their children to side with someone just for the color of their skin.

You people make me fucking sick! And yes, I DO mean black people!

Call me racist all you want. I know I'm not just like I know YOU ARE!

Anyone who mourns Michael Jackson's death, calls him a "hero," "King," "Innocent," is a fucking moron - regardless of your skin tone. Wanna see what you look like? Here are some funny and pathetic fucktards on a YouTube video dedicated to MJ:

(You just gotta love the compassion of these bastards towards the sexually abused kids, and keep in mind that these are just a small few. The comments on tribute videos and tribute blogs on the net are identical and number in the hundreds of thousands.)

RYANBiGMACK (2 days ago) Show Hide

+1

Marked as spam

Reply

I dont give a fuck if he did it or not (personally i beleive he didnt) but he touched everyone on the planet and was the first global megastar he broke and still holds the records for record sales and giving to charity !! forget aboot the shit that tainted his name and remember him for the miricales he showed us !! he taught us how music brought people together !! FOREVER MJ R.I.P [so, it's okay if he raped/molested kids because he was a STAR! Good to know, FUCKTARD!]

--

purpletrolly (2 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply

As a kid all over the media people were always talking about him molesting children etc. one would always believe what you heard on the news. But mainstream media is so corrupted. I believe that he slept in the same bed with the kids but he did not molested them, these families took advantage for money, and the media took this as a chance to bring down a legend who they thought was too big. It is so hypocritical how the media is now that he died its pathetic! Just using his death to make money! [so, it's okay for a GROWN MAN to sleep in a bed with little kids?? and you see nothing sinister about that?? FUCKTARD!]

--

issieb123 (2 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply

Honestly, I don't know what happened in Michael's house with the kids. Only Michael, the kids and God knew for sure. What I do know, is that Michael was an extremely talented man! Many people have/will try to be like Michael and this just "aint gonna happen". There can be only one Michael. [you don't know what happened but that's okay because he was talented. And let's hope to GOD there will only be one Michael!!!!]

--

Stuyr123 (2 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply

Your right man We should all RESPECT Michael Joseph Jackson....he died he did a mistake....no ones perfect .... NO 1 SHOULD TALK SHIT BOUT HIM HE A GOOD MAN WHO DIED 2 YOUNG....thks for sendin me that message 2 c ur videos Craftnation.... i m on ur side ... i subscribed 2 u and rated u 5 stars..... RIP MICHEAL JACKSON [He made a mistake but it's okay because no one is perfect?? He was a good man even though you admit you believe he made a "mistake" by raping/molesting kids?? SICK FUCKTARD! (also, possibly, closet pedo)]

--

Templar910 (2 days ago) Show Hide

-1

Marked as spam

Reply

what the fuck people lied about him and he got hated for it mily sirus actually did those things admitid to them and it blew over milys a fag michals alrite and im fucking white [Miley Cyrus raped/molested little boys and admitted it? WTF are you smoking, you douchebag?!!]

--

MrBriggsy (2 days ago) Show Hide

+1

Marked as spam

Reply

u r 100% correct.i respect what ur saying in the vid.i mean the poor bloke had to live for the past 16 yrs with this hanging over his head and i bet after that chandler kid did that to him he felt like he was living dead.i mean out of all the 100s of kids who stayed with him over the past decades only 2 said they were touched by him.if he was a molester he would have touched more than 2 per day.i think he was innocent and because he was like a child mentally he got taken advantage of. [ (remember the number 2) Soooo, he was taken advantage of by the boys he raped/molested? WTF?! They raped/molested him?? FUCKTARD!]

--

Natturtle (2 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply

I just feel sorry for him I mean everyone was sueing him for child molesting to get MONEY! not for the sake of the child, actually a lot of them lied about being molested so they could get money for their parents ok! stop being mean!
RIP michael Jackson.
your music will forever live on. [remember I said to remember the number 2? All through the comments, his supporters jump from saying it was only one accuser and all the way up to a dozen, but that none could prove it so he was found innocent. Then, they kept bringing up one boy they say has admitted to lying. ONE out of the "dozen" and "lot" of his accusers. Interesting that an INNOCENT man would pay millions upon millions in hush money. FUCKTARDS!]

--

HanKang0 (2 days ago) Show Hide

+1

Marked as spam

Reply

Exactly, there wasn't enough evidence...so when someone says that he did or did not molest kids, they do not have sufficient proof. The truth is that Michael Jackson did more good than bad for this nation. [Oh, so, it's okay that he sexually abused kids and was a drug addict. He played music you liked, so that voids the other stuff and makes him a national icon. FUCKTARD!!!]

--

[This one is in three parts. It's funny...]

kitty1066 (1 day ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply

Firstly i must stand up and appplaud you for what i have just listen to you say..
To many people are being sick fuk's and if they can't say anything nice about Michael the they should shut their dirty mouths cuz I for one do not wanna hear their shit!!

kitty1066 (1 day ago) Show Hide

+1

Marked as spam

Reply

2/ I would have let all my children spend a night or nights in his care and even sleep in his bed with him, i had no problam with that what so ever, I trusted him completely..Why wouldn't I, He was proved to be INNOCEST ON ALL CHARGES in a court of law and thats good enough for me...I truely hand on heart believe that the people making these sick allegations are the ones with fukd up minds and fukd up lives, They wanted money and didn't care who they hurt to get it...

kitty1066 (1 day ago) Show Hide

+1

Marked as spam

Reply

3/ Michael Jackson was a hero of mine and forever will be..I used to watch him dance and be amazed every time, not to mention his string of fantastic records,
Michael may have died but the King of Pop will live forever
I LOVE YOU MICHAEL xxxxxxxx [OH ... MY .... FUCKING ..... GAWD! Well, can't expect much from an illiterate bitch who thinks a music celebrity with proved psychotic deficiencies and a penchant for drugs and little boys deserves hero worship. FUCKTARD!!]

--

gotsteeze92 (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

i kno what u mean man. i deleted everybody who made bad comments about him [Way to respect your friends for their opinions, but so is the mentallity of blind sheeple who will refer to a drug addicted lunatic as a music god. Ditching your friends because they didn't like your favorite celebrity? Really? FUCKTARD!!!]

--

Wrightworth (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

It does seem a bit pointless to be talking trash about the dead. Not sure if he actually was a molester, but either way he did much more good then bad. The good stuff is what you should be remembering anyways. [Sure, no one should even think about his child abuse and drug addictions that white celebrities get dissed for as not being "idol material." Molesting a few kids here and there really isn't that bad when you consider he could moonwalk. FUCKTARD!!!!!]

--

BKBROS123 (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

when people say that shit it pisses me off so much respect michael jackson he was a legend. Yes he made some bad decisions but he changed music forever in a great way
R.I.P Michael Jackson [Oh, they go on and on like this. Hundreds of comments that denote it's okay if he really sexually abused kids because he was a great singer. Gotta love the asininity of MJ fans! FUCKTARDS!!!!]

--

affoidman123 (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

even if he was a child molester, it doesnt make him less of the king of pop, hell, the king of music period!!!!
and fuck the people talking shit about him being dead! he was the best [Do I really need to add to this??? FUCKING SICK PIECE OF SHIT FUCKTARD!!!]

--

theheat151 (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

How was he found innocent when he paid off the people? It also didn't help that he screwed over his buddy, Paul McCaurtney.

Don't get me wrong, I was a huge fan of his growing up as a chid. Shalom [I was starting to like this guy ... and then I read the last sentence. Another shining example of the mentallity of Michael Jackson fans! FUCKTARD!]

--

TheRoyalPhoenix (3 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

anyone who mocks a dead person is just a fool. if he did do anything ( which i think he didnt ) then it makes you just as bad as anything he did [Yes, hurling verbal insults at a child molester is just as bad as sexually abusing a child. We get it .. you're most definitely a MJ fan! FUCKTARD!!!!]

--

SamariaTV (2 days ago) Show Hide

0

Marked as spam

Reply | Spam

Court transcipts are available to the public. Reading the truth can help. There is a reason Michael was not charged. He was NOT GUILTY. Michael could have filled an extortion suit, but he'd rather leave it alone. Racism sucks. Our Black men do not deserve to live like this. - always guilty - racism sucks man. I'm about tired of our men being accused, not guilty, yet they cant get the accusation off of them. [What did I tell you? Every time a black person does something wrong and gets busted for it, blacks all over pull out that fucking race card and DARE anyone to push the issue further! FUCK YOU, YOU RACIST PIECES OF SHIT!!! Chickshit motherfuckers because they don't have the balls enough to face facts and actually DO something to IMPROVE their image! FUCKTARD!!!!]

Who has received/seen/heard the MJ jokes since his death? Well, you're in for a treat! ENJOY!!!


Farrah Fawcett died and when she got to Heaven, God granted her 1 wish. She wished for all the children of the world to be safe, so God killed Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson went to WalMart because he heard little boy pants were half off.

When Michael Jackson died, they burnt down 99.9% of plastic from his body and melted it down to legos so that kids can play with him for a change.

Later heard by a child who received one as a gift: "Mom, I don't want to play with Michael Jackson. I did that already!" ~ Guru BACA Nation


From BonCherry.com:

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney films?
A: Disney films can still touch kids.

Michael Jackson had to cancel all of his up coming dates. They were named James(aged 9) and Thomas(aged 11)

Did you hear? The Jackson Five are offering a 20 percent discount on their reunion!

Will his organs continue to be donated to children?

Michael Jackson did manage to whisper a brief message to paramedics on his way to the hospital… “Put me in the children’s ward.”

*Knock* *Knock*
Who’s there?
Not Micheal Jackson.

Out of respect, McDonalds has released the McJackson burger, 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

Michael is the only person I know who was born a black man and died a white woman.

I dont feel any emotion after MJ’s death… He never really touched me when I was younger…

When Michael got to heaven, Elvis saw him and whispered in St. Peter’s ear. St. Peter then told MJ at the pearly gates, “Beat it. Just beat it.”

Q: Why did Michael Jackson die on the same day as Farrah Fawcett?
A: He didn’t want her to be the only white woman grabbing all the headlines.

To all the Michael Jackson fans, when you’re laying in bed tonight, as a tribute to Michael, JUST BEAT IT.

No embalming needed!

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack? What did he do, walk into a room full of pre-schoolers?

Well, at least he has practice burning.

Q:What did Ed McMahon and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Ed always said “Here’s Johnny…” and Michael always said “Where’s Johnny…?”

We really shouldn’t joke about MJ, think of all the people he touched, especially the children.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson die at 3:15?
A: “It’s when the big hand touches the little hand”

Q:Why did Michael Jackson go to hell?
A: Because he was bad.

MJ didn’t have a heart attack, he was found in the children’s ward having a stroke…

Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since that time MaCaulay Culkin slept over…

In accordance with Michael Jackson’s will, little boys’ pants shall be flown at half-mast today.

Micheal jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.

In memory of MJ’s death, McDonald’s is coming out with the new “McJackson”. It’s 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.

Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.

Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.

Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.

Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!

Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!”

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn’t have looked at the man in the mirror.

But seriously folks, this whole situation is really not funny…
Because he’s up there molesting baby Jesus right now.

Billy Mays was sent to heaven to clean that white crap off of MJ’s face with Oxy-clean.

According to Michael Jackson’s attorney, MJ’s body will be converted into plastic bags, so he can still remain 99% plastic and dangerous to leave alone with children!

Do you know what Michael Jackson’s favorite book was?
The Ins and Outs of Child rearing.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery bag? One white, made of plastic, and dangerous for children, the other carries your groceries…

Michael jackson didn't die of a heart attack, it was a boating accident. They found him clinging to a bouy!

AND my personal favorite: What did Michael jacksons doctor find that nobody else could? A cure for child molestation! BOOYAAH!!!!

Moron #15: OBAMA! And His Stimulus Plan (And a Bonus #16)

Obama promises more than 600,000 stimulus jobs (AP)

AP - President Barack Obama promised Monday to deliver more than 600,000 jobs through his $787 billion stimulus plan this summer, with federal agencies pumping billions into public works projects, schools and summer youth programs.

________________

How exactly does this work? I mean considering how there is, you know, an 11.5 TRILLION DOLLAR NATIONAL DEBT, which has INCREASED under this administration. And considering how unemployment is on the rise because BUSINESSES ARE FAILING, due in large to citizens not able to spend money and companies not able to spend money on actual IMPORTANT, NECESSARY THINGS.

Oh, but Hey! Obama's going to fix all that by creating jobs out of what used to be VOLUNTEER WORK as well as what is supposed to be PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY.

Instead of working out ways to STOP FRIVOLOUS SPENDING, the answer to unemployment is FRIVOLOUS SPENDING. What the fuck, Chuck?!?!!!

Who the fuck ever thought an idiot who has absolutely no financial experience, no business sense, no sense of NATIONAL PRIDE would make a fine president?! Oh, yeah, that's right ....

MORON # 16 .. THE FUCKTARDS WHO VOTED THIS LOSER IN!!

Sexaholism 101

***Let me say now that I mean no offense to real sexaholics out there ... No, wait, I take that back - lucky fuckers! ***

Okay, so I was browsing the net a few nights ago and through no fault of my own or in any way pertaining to the type of blogs I was reading, I stumbled upon a link for Sexaholics Anonymous. I was on chat at the time with a friend who has only recently learned how much I like to flirt and throw around more sexual innuendos than a 16 yr old boy or horny housewife ... oh, wait ....

Anywho...

Look at what I found whilst browsing the informative material: an "Are you a horny perv?" questionnaire! Of course, it's not like I actually had to take the test to know the answer to that (which wasn't the actual title, by the way. I'm just saying what they were thinking.).

I don't think the creators of this quiz intended for this to be a checklist of pride, but that was because they never met me. This was a challenge and I like to win. My result? I PASSED! 85% SEXAHOLIC - WOOHOO!

Now, I understand there are some serious issues for some people in regards to sex; however, this test is just moronic and describes every healthy adult engaged in a sexual relationship. And so, I mock....


"Test Yourself"
(I added some thoughts just to get a rise out of anyone who comes by this... *wink wink*)

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?

Every time I am alone ...


2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?

Only if I keep giving in to a gorilla. A wookie's okay, though.


3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?

Every time I turn it on, it returns the favor.


4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?

I constantly strive to improve my technique. Practice makes perfect.


5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?….

I resort to sex when I'm horny. Sometimes it's to escape horniness, sometimes it's to relieve the anxiety of horniness, and other times it's because I just can't fucking cope with the horniness!


6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?

A little guilt sets in when I kick him out of the bed for being so fast, followed by remorse because I know anger will not turn him on again, and then depressed because I'm still horny.


7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?

I'm a real go-getter. If I can't find the sex I want, I push on harder until I do.


8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?

Yes. I can't seem to get away when I need secret sex


9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?

Resort? You mean I really CAN have Vin Diesel?! Dressed as Batman?!?!! And Vin Diesel dressed as Riddick dressed as Batman??? Well, Fuck!


10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?

I am quite good at making irresistible impulses arise by my sexual overtures and offers of sex, and I find such behavior has the same affect on me. If not, they make a pill for that.


11. Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?

No. When things aren't working out and I'm a completely miserable mess, I like to stay just where I am! Especially when the sex totally sucks (and not in a good way)!



12. Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?

Um, let's see, sex when I want it, how I want it, and how often I want it with my perfect man as opposed to doing it to myself .... Gee, that's a hard one! I think we'd all prefer self-gratification and bad sex with terrible lovers over a relationship with a sex god (or goddess).


13. Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?

This is called "Stalking," my friend. Stalkers should be publicly flogged by their victim 100 times with a catoninetails while naked.


14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?

No. I protect myself and my family by keeping my cyber sex safe with McFreaky Anti-virus and Moanton Trojan Filters.


15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?

It happens in men when the blood leaves one head and shifts to another. However, everyone knows you should be able to compose a thesis or bake a cake while getting laid.


16. Do you lose time from work for it?

Only if it's good.


17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?

More importantly ... Does Vin Diesel??


18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?

Depends. Was it good and will there be a round 2?


19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?

I refuse to answer on the grounds I will totally get into deep shit.


20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

Does it count if you have the cuffs on but never make it to the station?


For the record: #10 and I have become great friends.

Next up: The 12 Steps To Rehabilitation! Because, like, why the hell would you want to actually have sex for fun???

Moron #14: Bible Belt Prudes!

This is one of those things that finds its way into the category of "WTF?! ... Where do I get one? .. I would never! ... What's the number?"

The Trojan Vibrating Touch Massager.

Of course, we've all seen the commercial by now (and if not go here), but what you may not know is that this nifty little self-gratifying - or couple's playtime - gadget is just too taboo for bible belt Christians. You know the kind - the same ones who read my erotica on a regular basis just to tell me I'm evil ... while leaving requests for BDSM.

From Wikipedia:

"A Bible Belt is a typically informal term for an area in which socially conservative Christian, Evangelical,Protestantism is a dominant or pervasive part of the culture. The term "Bible Belt" was coined by the American journalist and social commentator H.L. Mencken in the early 1920s. In particular, in the United States it is an idiom for the region where the Southern Baptist Convention denomination is strongest, usually meaning the South and nearby areas. However, many other church denominations are represented, such as Church of Christ Assemblies of God. In the United States the bible belt usually includes all of the southern states and often parts of their neighbors. The following states are usually considered part of the 'Bible Belt.' Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Southern Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia"

Just another example of stupidity by backasswards people with nothing better to do than attempt to control the lives of others. Just because you suck in bed, Billy Bob, it doesn't mean Daisy Mae isn't entitled to a little fun!

And OH! What fun she is promised:

"Petite and discreet, from the brand you trust most, the Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is the perfect little aid to create big pleasure, providing thrilling vibrations right at your fingertips. This small yet powerful vibrator, Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® personal fingertip massager features unique textures and gentle, rhythmic vibrations to add increased stimulation."

"Small yet powerful" .... Lots of men just turned to their lovers and said, "See?? I told you size doesn't matter!"

But that's not all!

"Everything you need from Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Complete with a personal plush storage pouch, two batteries and a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom, the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is ready for use and is shipped discreetly to your door."

ZOMG!!!1!! Two batteries AND a condom! And not just any condom - a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom! Because sex is ALL about us .. Deal!

In following the links and reading the description of condoms (because I like to read and I like to read about sex and I like to read about condoms because I like to imagine what it would be like to be "on the market" and in need of one), I came across this line: "Each condom is individually tested to help ensure reliability."

If any statement would make someone monogamous or justify never using a condom, that would be it. I threw up a little in my mouth. I think they should, at least, include a DVD of the testing in with the package.

Moving on...

If that's not enough, ladies, you get a plush storage pouch not unlike this one:

But thankfully NOT like this one:

Though actually like this:

If all that hasn't convinced you the Vibrating Touch is a must-have (and how could you pass up the free condom for your $19.99 purchase?!), here's testimonial from an actual Sexpert! ("Logan" is a woman, by the way, which TOTALLY compromises my "me-time" fantasies of Wolverine! Bitch!):

"See what Sexual Health Expert & Certified Sex Educator, Logan Levkoff, has to say about the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager: 'It’s a small finger vibe that is easy to use with a partner or by yourself.' 'Use it anywhere you would use a normal vibrator or massager.' 'Having an orgasm allows us to be fully engaged in sex, feel good about our bodies, feel good about our sexuality, and all of that translates to a better relationship with our partners.' 'A recent Berman Center study found a link between vibrator use and overall well being. American women aren’t only using vibrators but they contribute to their health as well.' 'Sexual pleasure isn't just about feeling good, it's essential to our sexual health and thankfully we now have the power to have both at our fingertips.' The Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager 'helps you and your partner add heightened pleasure, together.' "

Look! It's a doctor's note! Who needs psychiatry when you get an orgasm from a piece of energized plastic?! Brings new meaning to the Energizer Rabbit. It seems soooo perfect for me! I feel another #10 moment coming on ...... Oh, wait, what's this.....?:

Q. Can I use the TROJAN® Vibrating Touch fingertip massager more than once? A. Yes. The batteries in this product will last up to 30 minutes. Batteries are available online or at your local retailer - look for size LR41 or equivalent (AG3, 192, 392). See Tips at Your Fingertips for instructions on changing the batteries in your fingertip massager, as well as information about keeping your fingertip massager clean and ready to use.

WTF?! I don't even replace the batteries in my watch because of the hassle! I buy cheap watches (under $12) because when the battery runs out, I buy another one. And this little fucker (literally) wears down after 30 minutes?! I have to go on safari for batteries every 30 minutes?! Well, this is just bullshit. Looks like it's back to the basics. Put an ad in the paper for free sex tapes of Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson to the first caller and set the phone to vibrate ...... Good times ....