A funny thing happened at Best Buy picking up my pre-ordered "Brave". Today is, also, the release of "Call of Duty: Black Ops 2," so I got to see first hand the typical CoD gamer. Wow... LOL.
I was at BB waiting in line at Customer Service, which was in-and-of-itself bullshit (only 1 line allowed to accommodate multiple reasons: Geek Squad, Package Pick-Up, returns, and pre-orders of "Brave" and "Call of Duty", even though the other clerks at the afore-mentioned areas were waiting for their respective customers stuck in that single line) and I took note of all the guys there to pick up their pre-ordered copy of "Call of Duty: Black Ops 2."
I arrived soon after the store opened, but there were already 8 people in line in front of me. Of those 8, 3 were there for the game, and all 3 were wearing camouflage backpacks. They weren't the same brand - because THAT would be awkward... - but were all green military cammie, none-the-less. I just laughed to myself and didn't say anything.
As the minutes slowly turned into close to an hour (because fucktarded BB clerks were letting customers they were helping elsewhere jump in at the counter in front of everyone who had been waiting), the line behind me continued to grow and continued to add more "CoD:BO2" buyers. I took mental note of these doucheswallows, too: More cammie backpacks and 1 black backpack with a Call Of Duty tag and a set of novelty dog tags. I wasn't close enough to read them but I'm guessing the name was something like "Sgt. InYoFace USMC Spec Ops SEAL Team 0011010001" or maybe just "Capt. Wannabe - Ft. Douche". (Let me know if you get the joke about the first one.)
"How do you know they weren't actually military?" you ask? Well, if the full and scraggly, food-encrusted beards and wrinkly stained shirts didn't clue me in, their disheveled appearance complete with that "haven't washed my rat-nested hair in 2 weeks because I'm single-handedly supporting the North American lice population" look validated my suspicions.
There was one guy who was two customers behind me and looked like he didn't belong anywhere near this armchair warrior convention, and he looked every bit as annoyed with these posers as I was humored by them. He was clean shaven, military cut, well built, and put more attention to the way he tied his proudly buffed boots than the others had in their entire wardrobe. I started quietly laughing as he surveyed the line of losers and shook his head and rolled his eyes at every camouflage backpack-wearing soldier wannabe he saw. Our eyes met for a brief moment in a common bond of disgust and "You've gotta be kidding me" telepathic transmission.
To make the moment (45 minutes to be exact) more perfect, there was a 70+ year old lady in front of me who noticed the gamers, as well. She was there for repairs to her printer and stuck in line with the rest of us even though no one was at the counter for the 2 open Geek Squad help-desk registers. She and I had shared a few words about the idiotic way BB was handling the line and about her printer problems.
She looked up and down the line, then asked me softly, "Is something going on? Should we be worried? Why are all of these men here wearing military bags?" I laughed and explained to her they were waiting for a video game about the military - you could tell by their receipts and games in-hand.
She said, "They don't look like they're in the military." I smiled even bigger and said, "No, they aren't. I guess they just like the cammie gear to go with their military game." She looks around at them again then says in a voice a little louder, "Do they know it's just a game and they aren't really in the military?"
I didn't laugh as loudly as I usually would if I wasn't there alone, but I did laugh and nod in agreement. I glanced around to see if anyone had heard, and I noticed the men within earshot were staring at us. I looked over at the real military guy and he had a huge Cheshire-cat smile on his face.
I thought that was the end of it and I'd be getting out of there soon since the line had slowly moved up and I was next. Then it happened...
One of the guys behind the military guy decided to strike up a conversation with him - I guess to seem more legit. I couldn't understand most of what he was saying, but I heard enough to know he was trying to talk to the military guy like they were "brothers" (the military kind). A couple of the gamers around the two decided this was their cue to share their military expertise and show the world the extensive war experience CoD had given them.
With every dropped name of a firearm or combat maneuver or explosive device, the military guy countered with what actually happens in real life that contradicts the gaming world.
At one point, one of the douches tried to tell him, "Nah..nah... dude, Call of Duty is based on real covert ops sanctioned by the Pentagon and shared with the writers of the game to make it authentic. Special forces recruits are given Call of Duty to play so they'll be prepared for their missions," to which the other sacks-of-shit basement dwellers around them nodded and agreed in pride at their new friend's handling of that "elitist military professional" who clearly doesn't know as much about war as the guy who doesn't bathe for days and craps and pisses in an adult diaper because he can't let his cyber platoon down by leaving his gamer chair.
Military guy looks back over to me in what I can only describe as shock and a masterfully controlled desire to beat the living shit out of the ass, I stare back at him with a look that probably screamed "WHAT THE FUCK?!", and then he turned back to the guy and said, "How about you come with me for a day and we do some training? I'll even let you shoot a few rounds at the firing range on base."
The guy looks stunned for a minute, then goes, "I can't get on base. I'm a civilian." Military guy goes, "That's okay. I can get you on as my guest. When do you want to go?"
Dude looks around for a minute as if he'll find the answer from one of the other armchair warriors, but they have all suddenly turned their attentions to other things and take on the appearance of not even willing to acknowledge the conversation that just happened 5 minutes before.
Abandoned by his fellow posers, he nervously answers, "Sorry, man, I gotta take this," and pretends to answer a phone no one heard ring. I guess it was on vibrate...
Military dude looks back at me and I start laughing, no longer quietly, then move up to the register to finally get my movie and go.
Well, now that I've shared that funny story from this morning, I must go watch "Brave." I need to take notes on the spell to turn a person into a bear. Cartoons, unlike video games, are real!
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