Moron #14: Bible Belt Prudes!

This is one of those things that finds its way into the category of "WTF?! ... Where do I get one? .. I would never! ... What's the number?"

The Trojan Vibrating Touch Massager.

Of course, we've all seen the commercial by now (and if not go here), but what you may not know is that this nifty little self-gratifying - or couple's playtime - gadget is just too taboo for bible belt Christians. You know the kind - the same ones who read my erotica on a regular basis just to tell me I'm evil ... while leaving requests for BDSM.

From Wikipedia:

"A Bible Belt is a typically informal term for an area in which socially conservative Christian, Evangelical,Protestantism is a dominant or pervasive part of the culture. The term "Bible Belt" was coined by the American journalist and social commentator H.L. Mencken in the early 1920s. In particular, in the United States it is an idiom for the region where the Southern Baptist Convention denomination is strongest, usually meaning the South and nearby areas. However, many other church denominations are represented, such as Church of Christ Assemblies of God. In the United States the bible belt usually includes all of the southern states and often parts of their neighbors. The following states are usually considered part of the 'Bible Belt.' Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Southern Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia"

Just another example of stupidity by backasswards people with nothing better to do than attempt to control the lives of others. Just because you suck in bed, Billy Bob, it doesn't mean Daisy Mae isn't entitled to a little fun!

And OH! What fun she is promised:

"Petite and discreet, from the brand you trust most, the Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is the perfect little aid to create big pleasure, providing thrilling vibrations right at your fingertips. This small yet powerful vibrator, Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Vibrating Touch® personal fingertip massager features unique textures and gentle, rhythmic vibrations to add increased stimulation."

"Small yet powerful" .... Lots of men just turned to their lovers and said, "See?? I told you size doesn't matter!"

But that's not all!

"Everything you need from Trojan® Her Pleasure™ Complete with a personal plush storage pouch, two batteries and a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom, the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager is ready for use and is shipped discreetly to your door."

ZOMG!!!1!! Two batteries AND a condom! And not just any condom - a Trojan® Her Pleasure™ premium latex condom! Because sex is ALL about us .. Deal!

In following the links and reading the description of condoms (because I like to read and I like to read about sex and I like to read about condoms because I like to imagine what it would be like to be "on the market" and in need of one), I came across this line: "Each condom is individually tested to help ensure reliability."

If any statement would make someone monogamous or justify never using a condom, that would be it. I threw up a little in my mouth. I think they should, at least, include a DVD of the testing in with the package.

Moving on...

If that's not enough, ladies, you get a plush storage pouch not unlike this one:

But thankfully NOT like this one:

Though actually like this:

If all that hasn't convinced you the Vibrating Touch is a must-have (and how could you pass up the free condom for your $19.99 purchase?!), here's testimonial from an actual Sexpert! ("Logan" is a woman, by the way, which TOTALLY compromises my "me-time" fantasies of Wolverine! Bitch!):

"See what Sexual Health Expert & Certified Sex Educator, Logan Levkoff, has to say about the Trojan® Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager: 'It’s a small finger vibe that is easy to use with a partner or by yourself.' 'Use it anywhere you would use a normal vibrator or massager.' 'Having an orgasm allows us to be fully engaged in sex, feel good about our bodies, feel good about our sexuality, and all of that translates to a better relationship with our partners.' 'A recent Berman Center study found a link between vibrator use and overall well being. American women aren’t only using vibrators but they contribute to their health as well.' 'Sexual pleasure isn't just about feeling good, it's essential to our sexual health and thankfully we now have the power to have both at our fingertips.' The Vibrating Touch® fingertip massager 'helps you and your partner add heightened pleasure, together.' "

Look! It's a doctor's note! Who needs psychiatry when you get an orgasm from a piece of energized plastic?! Brings new meaning to the Energizer Rabbit. It seems soooo perfect for me! I feel another #10 moment coming on ...... Oh, wait, what's this.....?:

Q. Can I use the TROJAN® Vibrating Touch fingertip massager more than once? A. Yes. The batteries in this product will last up to 30 minutes. Batteries are available online or at your local retailer - look for size LR41 or equivalent (AG3, 192, 392). See Tips at Your Fingertips for instructions on changing the batteries in your fingertip massager, as well as information about keeping your fingertip massager clean and ready to use.

WTF?! I don't even replace the batteries in my watch because of the hassle! I buy cheap watches (under $12) because when the battery runs out, I buy another one. And this little fucker (literally) wears down after 30 minutes?! I have to go on safari for batteries every 30 minutes?! Well, this is just bullshit. Looks like it's back to the basics. Put an ad in the paper for free sex tapes of Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson to the first caller and set the phone to vibrate ...... Good times ....