Sexaholism 101

***Let me say now that I mean no offense to real sexaholics out there ... No, wait, I take that back - lucky fuckers! ***

Okay, so I was browsing the net a few nights ago and through no fault of my own or in any way pertaining to the type of blogs I was reading, I stumbled upon a link for Sexaholics Anonymous. I was on chat at the time with a friend who has only recently learned how much I like to flirt and throw around more sexual innuendos than a 16 yr old boy or horny housewife ... oh, wait ....

Anywho...

Look at what I found whilst browsing the informative material: an "Are you a horny perv?" questionnaire! Of course, it's not like I actually had to take the test to know the answer to that (which wasn't the actual title, by the way. I'm just saying what they were thinking.).

I don't think the creators of this quiz intended for this to be a checklist of pride, but that was because they never met me. This was a challenge and I like to win. My result? I PASSED! 85% SEXAHOLIC - WOOHOO!

Now, I understand there are some serious issues for some people in regards to sex; however, this test is just moronic and describes every healthy adult engaged in a sexual relationship. And so, I mock....


"Test Yourself"
(I added some thoughts just to get a rise out of anyone who comes by this... *wink wink*)

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?

Every time I am alone ...


2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?

Only if I keep giving in to a gorilla. A wookie's okay, though.


3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?

Every time I turn it on, it returns the favor.


4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?

I constantly strive to improve my technique. Practice makes perfect.


5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?….

I resort to sex when I'm horny. Sometimes it's to escape horniness, sometimes it's to relieve the anxiety of horniness, and other times it's because I just can't fucking cope with the horniness!


6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?

A little guilt sets in when I kick him out of the bed for being so fast, followed by remorse because I know anger will not turn him on again, and then depressed because I'm still horny.


7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?

I'm a real go-getter. If I can't find the sex I want, I push on harder until I do.


8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?

Yes. I can't seem to get away when I need secret sex


9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?

Resort? You mean I really CAN have Vin Diesel?! Dressed as Batman?!?!! And Vin Diesel dressed as Riddick dressed as Batman??? Well, Fuck!


10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?

I am quite good at making irresistible impulses arise by my sexual overtures and offers of sex, and I find such behavior has the same affect on me. If not, they make a pill for that.


11. Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?

No. When things aren't working out and I'm a completely miserable mess, I like to stay just where I am! Especially when the sex totally sucks (and not in a good way)!



12. Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?

Um, let's see, sex when I want it, how I want it, and how often I want it with my perfect man as opposed to doing it to myself .... Gee, that's a hard one! I think we'd all prefer self-gratification and bad sex with terrible lovers over a relationship with a sex god (or goddess).


13. Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?

This is called "Stalking," my friend. Stalkers should be publicly flogged by their victim 100 times with a catoninetails while naked.


14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?

No. I protect myself and my family by keeping my cyber sex safe with McFreaky Anti-virus and Moanton Trojan Filters.


15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?

It happens in men when the blood leaves one head and shifts to another. However, everyone knows you should be able to compose a thesis or bake a cake while getting laid.


16. Do you lose time from work for it?

Only if it's good.


17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?

More importantly ... Does Vin Diesel??


18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?

Depends. Was it good and will there be a round 2?


19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?

I refuse to answer on the grounds I will totally get into deep shit.


20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

Does it count if you have the cuffs on but never make it to the station?


For the record: #10 and I have become great friends.

Next up: The 12 Steps To Rehabilitation! Because, like, why the hell would you want to actually have sex for fun???