(Originally posted April 2006)So, I'm walking through... Where, class? Wal*Mart! That's right!... walking through Wal*Mart the Wednesday before Easter weekend and was slammed with inspiration left and right! Wasn't too difficult with the crowd there that day, and I could barely keep up with the flood of words racing through my mind that I would use to describe these people.
I'd never experienced so many in one place at one time! I'm telling you, I felt like the guy who first discovered the Hope Diamond! Yeah, being surrounded by them was the equivellant of that curse, too.
Upon entering, I walk through my favorite section, Gardening.
Cue Moron #3...
This little boy was playing with the display of cacti - plural for cactus, just in case morons are reading ;). His father was so busy looking at the yard equipment, he failed to notice as his son's hand reached to grab the tall one covered with one inch spikes. I called out to the boy and shocked him enough make him stop and turn to look at me.
His dad, idiot that he was, glanced over, smiled at me, then went right on back to looking at the tools! I moved the buggy away from the display - yeah, little boy was in the buggy, Dad was about ten feet away! - gave the guy a "You're a dumbass!" glare, then went on my merry way toward the electronics department.
Cue Moron #4...
Ever play chicken with an old woman in a motorized wheelchair? Don't! Trust me, they don't give a shit! This little old lady was in the center of the main aisle with her eyes set on a checkout lane way at the other end and nothing, I repeat NOTHING was going to stand in her way!
I'm telling you, it was like watching a National Lampoon movie (before they got more stupid). She must have been going like 4 mph, plowing down anything and anyone daring to stand in her way. People were jumping left and right, displays were being strewn all over electronics and women's lingerie, small children were crying at the sight of Granny on her Vehicle of Death!
Ok...Ok... I'm exaggerating a little... but just a little! People were having to move out of her way, parents were pulling their kids aside, and an employee did have to move a new cardboard display that he had just set in the center.
In addition to my suggestion of making anyone over the age of 60 re-apply for driver's licenses every year, I'd like to now, also, add that anyone eligible to use one of these motorized mauling machines be given operating tests, as well. Right of way rules, arm-style turning signals, parallel parking... the whole package!
As I made it through the trail of mayhem and bodies, I passed the little girl department.
Cue Moron #5...
There in the aisle in front of me was a mom and her two daughters. The one who caught my eye was the 8/9 year old girl in hip huggers too short to actually be called "hip huggers" any longer, heels, strapless halter top, temp tats on her arms, hair pulled back and colored in blue and pink, earings from the lobe all the way across the rim to the top of each ear, rings on every finger, 2 or 3 gold necklaces, a stack of bracelets on each arm (yeah, yeah, the colored rubber kind), and make-up that would put a chorus line girl to shame!
Just as I'm rolling my eyes at any one who would allow their little girl to look like this, I hear the girl say, "Yo! Check out these jeans! Damn! My ass'd look fine in these, huh, Mom?"
GUH! I glared at them (they were blocking my way or else I would have hurried by before my mouth took on a mind of its own and expressed the ideas I'm sharing now) then looked at the mother. I mean, it's often said children learn from the example of their parents. Well, her dad must be a cross-dressing ho because the mom was wearing a very conservative blue lawyer-style suit, hair in a bun, modest make up, and hardly any jewelry.
The mom caught my look of disgust/awe, yet somehow translated it to mean I thought it was all cute. She smiled and moved the buggy so I could hurry the hell away from there, which I did.
Now.... I'm not sure which would be the moron - the mom or the daughter. Maybe the little girl's dad lets the girl behave that way. Maybe the woman is a step mom and isn't allowed to behave like a real mother. In any event, there is a definite moron in this picture somewhere!
I make my way ahead to my destination, the Easter section, where I soon encounter Moron #6...uh... and #7 (for good measure)...
As I was about to enter the aisle, I was cut off by a couple in their early 20's. They walked past slowly - you know, coz it's not like anyone else was shopping that day - and it was about this time that I noticed everyone they had walked by staring at them (snickering, pointing, rolling eyes, whispering in apparent disgust).
I paid more attention as they walked by me and that's when I saw it. Dude's hand was down the chick's jeans! I don't mean his hand was on her back with fingers doing a little seek and feel. His hand was down her jeans playing with her... well, we'll say Ass for now! I just.... There's really nothing.... How the hell do I comment on this one? Geez! And to think some people have a problem with KISSING in public!
I quickly walk into the aisle, trying to imagine ANYTHING less horrifying, and begin browsing the Easter candy. It was about this time Moron #8 entered the craziness of my current shopping experience.
This couple in their 30's were looking through the candy choices, and periodically the man would comment on what their kids might want... and the wife would shoot down every suggestion with replies like:
"Yes, you would pick that!"....
"Why? That's so lame!"....
"Over my dead body (I'm sure he wishes!)"....
At one point, the guy chuckled and mentioned how he thought an item was really cool, to which the bitch replied, "Don't worry, your mommy will get it for you. You're spoiled enough."
Awkward moment!
I glanced over out of curiousity to see if the other 6 or 7 people around us had heard and nearly all of them were staring at her in amazement. From the corner of my eye, I saw that he was staring at her like a beaten puppy, then he moved on to look at something else.
What did she look like? Ever see The Wizard of Oz? Nah..teasing... but seriously, she had this permanent scowl. She looked like she was born with the "I'm a bitch and proud of it" face!
Ok, so as I'm looking I realize I need eggs for coloring. Tempted to call her a heartless bitch, I hurried on to the aisle with the eggs and noticed an elderly woman going through each carton.
Cue Moron #9, though I really hesitate labeling her a moron because I'm going to be an old woman someday!
Anyway, I reached over and got my eggs, then moved aside to get some yogurt. As I was looking for what I wanted, I couldn't help but notice she was going through each carton. Every one of them. Now, everyone looks to make sure none are broken, but damn! There weren't that many messed up packages!
I lingered a bit more, remembering orange juice that's kept across the way. I looked on as she continued her actions as though she were confused.
I took care of my 91 year old grandmother after she had a stroke and until she died. Then, I looked after my 74 year old father until he died. I understand sometimes the mind fails to work for a bit and maybe she had no one to help her shop, so I went over to her and started some small talk.
It's my experience that elderly people don't come right out and ask unless you are already speaking with them. She never asked for my help, so I asked if she was finding what she needed.
She said, "Well, I don't know, dear. They all look the same."
Um....k... I said, "Yes, ma'am, except the size. Did you want me to get you one from the back where it's coldest?"
She said, "Oh, thank you, honey, but I've been through most of these. I just can't find the right one."
"Well, what are you looking for?" I asked. "Maybe I can help."
"Perfect eggs, hon, I just need perfect eggs."
Oooookaaaaay.... I decided to move along, figured she'd find the ones to suit her odd taste soon enough.
I decided to get some groceries for when my husband got home from cruise, so took care of all that. No more crazies for a bit, though I made kind of a shopping buddy when it seemed me and this guy kept ending up on the same aisles.
I got my bread and was about to leave when I remembered water. Gotta have my water!
Aaaallll the way back to the dairy section because stupid Wal*Mart can't ever figure out where to put the big packages of water and they figure, somehow, that Dairy is as good a place as any.
I'd been gone from this section about half an hour, yet guess who still hadn't found her "perfect" eggs. *siiiigh*
Got my water, hurried through the crowds trying not to see the dozen or so other idiots along the way (Geez! My mind can only retain so much crap at one time!), until I finally reached the checkouts. This is where Wal*Mart can, themselves, become a Moron on my list for having like 35 registers and only 10 open on even busy days like this!
Gotta reserve the list for more deserving individuals, though, like Moron #10...
As I'm looking for an open register without, like, 25 people in line, I pass this man who is supposedly on a cell phone. He is pacing in a slow circle with a cane and speaking quite loudly to the supposed person on the other end. Going on and on about "Jeeeeeesus, The allmiiiiiighty saveeeyore..." On and on!
I felt like I was listening to a sermon from a bible-thumping know-it-all jackass! The more it seemed no one was paying him any mind, the louder he spoke.
People were starting to laugh at him, most sneer and roll their eyes impatiently. This is Wal*Mart, for crying out loud! Come On! Unless you're preaching about how they charge different prices at the register than what's on the shelf, or how you can't pass a group of employees without hearing how much it sucks to work there or how this employee would like to beat another employee's ass, no one gives a shit!
Similar thing happened at Christmas time. In that instance, I spoke up and became a heroine to a number of people around me. No, didn't remark this time. I was just too damned tired and burnt out from the previous 9 morons and the ones I just didn't have the mental room to remember.
So, checked out, hurried to my truck, and got the hell home safe and sound from the world that morons built! Dammit!
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