Moron #11: It's Bootyshitalicious!

(Originally posted August 2006)

Guess where I was for this inspiration? What? What? Did someone say Wal*Mart? Why, that is correct! What can I say? It has the best selection of material!

There I was walking along minding my own business, watching some of the freakiest damned people around as they seemed to all come out on this particular Saturday. I was seeing one half-naked skank after another, feeling like I had stumbled upon Flesh Fiesta Saturday at Wal*Mart.

You know, it's one thing if you have the body for it - still skanky but not so traumatizing. When a woman has large rolls of fat hanging out of BACKLESS tanks, spaghetti strap laces being hidden beneath each, it's just not right!

When a woman has a beer belly pushing out over her belly jeans and from beneath her halter top, it's just not right!

When a woman has "love handles" the size of rowboat paddles hanging over spandex hiphuggers, it's just not right!

When a woman has an ass the size of Canada crammed into a pair of Daisy Duke's with the word "Bootylicious" written across the western and eastern hemispheres, IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!!!

I had just passed up a woman with a gaggle of young girls all dressed like they were auditioning for an under-age strip club, thinking to myself it couldn't get much worse, when there before me at the next turn of an aisle was this pathetic creature I can only guess was supposed to be a man walking beside a more pathetic example of what creation had intended to be a woman.

She had the build of a lifelong trucker dude, yet she had the balls to wear a tight white tank top, red bra straps pushed into view and cutting into her shoulders, and a pair of tight pink sport shorts that....good gawd... had "bootylicious" across the ass!

Let me describe this for you:

She had the whole "tucked in with the tampon" look in the center, and when she turned around, what you could see beneath the overhanging belly was a camel-toe that would make a desert nomad proud!

I did my damnedest not to laugh. I swear. I even went the extra mile and turned around to do the rest of my shopping elsewhere until they left that area.

Well, my husband is an asshole. Seriously, learn that now - he wouldn't know "tact" if a dictionary opened to the definition smacked him. He had been on the other side, so had missed the shocking scene. When he joined me again, we went down another aisle for his coffee. Guess who was there?

My husband has no compassion for those who make total asses of themselves, he being one to do so quite often. So, as soon as Miss "Bootylicious" came into his line of sight, he started laughing his ass off. Not snickering or chuckling softly. No, it was a full out loud rumbling laugh.

Oh, wait, you didn't hear the best part. Though he embarrassed the crap out of me, I suppose most people wouldn't have been able to contain their laughter, especially once they realized she had a gigantic SHIT stain on her shorts! Yes, you heard me - a SHIT stain on the back of her ass!!! Just above the wedgie between her ass cheeks and the letters "y" and "l" ... and maybe "i" and "c"....at an angle...

He's still an ass. Why, you ask? Well, he was the one to notice the camel toe first. When he did, he did what came naturally. The m.f. fell on the floor laughing. I swear right there in front of frozen foods when we saw them again, he fell on the fucking floor in teary-eyed laughter!

Did they notice? Ya think?! No, they didn't say anything...just hurried away.

Look, I'm not going to win a beauty contest, and I really don't care to. I'm also not into making fun of how people look, but damn! You're also not going to catch me wearing something like that! Not only am I fully aware and not in denial of how I would look in something like that, but I have some damned dignity!

I'm so sick of seeing women wear shit like that. I actually saw a woman with "Got crabs?" written on her ass. It was a pair of sweats from a Crab Shack here. Still... WTF?!

"Sweet (Ass)", "Hot Cherry", "Kiss My (Ass)", "You Want My (Ass)".... The list for this trashy shit is endless! Get some damned dignity! It disgusts me even more to see young girls, children and teens, wearing this shit. I hold the parents responsible for anything that happens to them because of it.

And, hey! Bad taste does not discriminate among the races or multitude of shapes and sizes. I have seen plenty of thin, otherwise nicely figured women with the same lacking for dressing themselves correctly.

Just because you have rock hard abs and buns of steel, you don't have to have it all hanging out. Why bother wearing anything at all? Just because you'd look good on the cover of Maxim doesn't mean you aren't still a SKANK!

In closing I have to say that if I have gotten anything out of this experience, anything that will take the bite out of the horror I see every time I see a pair of shorts like those, it is this:

#1 I got great material for this post....

#2 I got to invent new words and terms like "bootyshitalicious", "tucked in with the tampon look," and "camel toe to make a desert nomad proud!"....

#3 My husband - the one who embarrassed the hell out of me with his uncontrollable, though humorous, outburst - can never again go down the coffee aisle without flashbacks of "bootyshitalicious", and....

#4...Just to make him suffer the way I suffered the embarrassment of him falling to the floor, I turned up the radio on the way home when Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" came on, replacing some words with "bootyshitalicious" and other such references to Moron #11.

Yeah, all in all, it was worth enduring Flesh Fiesta Saturday at Wal*Mart!