(Originally posted in March of 2006)I don't know if I should call her Moron #2 or just rant about why most women irritate me. Maybe I'll just combine the two and call it, "Moronic Women". Well... it's not that she was stupid exactly as much as irritating... ok, nevermind, she was pretty stupid!
I brought my truck in to have the tires changed. They were supposed to have had the tires there already, and I even gave them 2 hours to get them there from another place across town. So what if those 2 hours were spent by me getting lost because I had never been in the area... they had time, none-the-less! Anyway, they didn't leave to get the tires until after I got there. This aided in my total wait time of 3 hours in a waiting room with one of the most obnoxious women I have ever had the torturous experience of speaking!
Cue Moron #2...
As I'm getting the papers to sign for them to work on my truck, this 40'ish woman walks up to the counter and in an even bigger southern drawl than me, says, "My car's not riiiite."
The mechanics behind the counter as well as the female manager stare at her for a moment, perhaps waiting for her to elaborate or in awe over her blondness....though she had short red hair.
After moments go by and she is still staring at them like a deer caught in headlights, one of the guys says,"Um...ok...well, what's going on?"
"It's makin' this rattle rattle chck chck sound... That's not riiiite, riiiiite?"
"When does it make that sound?" asks the mechanic as his buddies and the manager...and, yes, me, try to cover our mouths so we don't laugh RIIIIITE out.
Again, she looks at him as if the mouse in her dusty brain is calculating the words to form the answer on his rusty, rarely used wheel. Then, finally, after much time of awaiting her intelligent response she thought long and hard to configure, she says, "When I'm drivin' eeit."
It was at this moment the remaining two mechanics ran through the back door to the garage - the glass wall enabling me to see them bent over in laughter. The manager covered her laughter behind coughs, and me? Well....I'm not so capable of containing my laughter in the presense of stupid people. I laughed quite loudly - I think I even snorted, but I had my daughter there so I could easily pretend I was laughing at something she said.
He told her to hold on, had me finish signing my papers - looking up at me with a grin and biting his lip to prevent his own laughter, then continued on with her.
Knowing I would never be able to keep my mouth shut if I stayed there for more of her hollow explanations, I hurried with my daughter to the waiting room. I remember shaking my head in impatience and thinking to myself that women like this moron are why mechanics think so lowly of women car owners.
I bought my daughter a fruit drink and some fruit snacks, then busied myself watching the mechanics working on 2 cars that came before mine. I had also changed the TV channel to a cartoon to keep my daughter occupied, though she soon joined me to watch the cars being worked on.
5 minutes later, in walks my latest nightmare! I stared out the window in silent prayer to whatever divine force would be listening that this idiot would keep her mouth shut and mind on her own business. Well, not so when you have a very friendly and inquisitive child!
"My name's ******. What's yours?" she said, and my shoulders dropped. This was going to be a looong wait!
"Well, Hi, ******! I'm Pam," she replied.
Ok, so she was nice enough. I'd give her a chance.
As I watched the mechanics, she continued talking to my daughter about cartoons and the fact that she was once a teacher and she had 2 daughters. She commented on my daughter's toy chick that cheeps when you squeeze it, saying her daughter had one like it, which she sleeps with every night.
My daughter said, "Really? I'm 5. How old's your little girl?"
"Oh, she's almost 19 now. All grown up."
Oh, dear God! This whole time she was talking about this particular daughter, anyone would have believed she was referring to a child my daughter's age: pink room with flowers on the wall, Barbie's for every season, Bratz dolls - God! I hate those stupid things! - even a Tinker Bell backpack...
Maybe it's because I never got into the whole girly girl thing growing up, but is it normal for an 18 going on 19 year old girl to have these things?!?!
I just bit my lip and tried not to ask obvious questions, like: Oh, is she mildly retarded? Did she go through some sort of trauma that won't let her age mentally? Is she a spoiled little prissy bitch?
When she asked my daughter, "Do you have any Barbies?" my ears perked up and I held my breath. Yes, she has a Barbie but...well...
My daughter answered politely, "Oh, yes. My Barbie, she plays with my Teen Titans and they go *bam* *bam* *bam* on her and kick her butt, and Starfire beats her up all the time coz she doesn't want her to steal Robin. I like my Teen Titans dolls and my Batman, Green Lantern, Wonderwoman... they're really cool. Mommy got them for me. And my Barbie. She's really cool, too. I like taking off her head."
I could start to taste the blood from my lip, having been biting down so hard to keep from laughing, until I heard the woman actually gasp! I quickly grabbed my water and drank to prevent the innevitable laughter begging to be freed.
"Oh," was the only thing the woman could say. Then, she started to piss me off. "Do you watch a lot of shows like Teen Titans and Batman on TV?" she asked in a tone that seemed to smack of judging and concern. It didn't surprise me, though. I mean, here's a woman whose NINETEEN year old still sleeps with infant toys and Barbies!!!
I moved away from the window and sat down near them, bracing myself to come to the defense of my daughter and my mothering skills.
"Oh, yeah. I watch Teen Titans and Justice League with Mommy all the time. We like it. Oh, and Yugi Oh and Franklin and Krypto the Super Dog."
The woman said, "Don't you watch things like Cinderella and Snow White and Bambi?"
"Yeah, those are good. I like Starfire and Raven and Wonder Woman and Batman, too."
"But you're a little girl. You should be into princess things and pink and tea parties, not those stupid boy things."
Uhhh....K, you bitch! Here's where Mommy decided to chime in.
"Well, I don't want MY nineteen year old sleeping with dolls and worrying about manicures when she should be concentrating on expanding her brain and working on getting a professional, grown up job." I didn't say it in a catty way, and I even smiled.
"Oh, my daughter's in college," she said in her defense.
"Really? That's nice," I replied like I gave a shit.
"Yeah," she sighed thoughfully, "she's going to College in Miami."
"That's nice," I replied again, not really interested in what the hell her daughter was doing.
"Yeaaahh...," she sighed again. "She's coming up for Spring Break. She said they may be a few days late because it's hard getting through the Spring Break crowd around Fort Lauderdale, Daytona Beach and Panama City, and she and her friends don't want to mess around with that crowd, you know. She's a good girl."
Ok.... Miami... Ft. Lauderdale.... Daytona Beach... Panama City?! Um.... do I need to post a map or does anyone see something entirely wrong with the route to mommy's house in Virginia from the University of Miami? and during Spring Break! Good girl, my ass!
I just stared at the woman as if in a trance trying to figure out if I should be the one to break it to her that her daughter was probably a whore or just let her see it on the "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.
I guess she read some of what was on my mind because she replied to my blank stare, "Oh, no, she won't be doing anything bad. Her boyfriend is actually going down from North Carolina to meet the girls to see they make it here safely."
Oh..My...God! I don't care what anyone says about parents being overly trusting, I will not be this stupid when my child gets to be a teenager!
I just nodded and smiled and looked back out the window. Somehow, she took my silence as an invitation to then tell me all about her life, at least the parts consisting of manicures, day spas, trips to tropical islands, disastrous hair days, clothes that fit one day and don't the next...
For God's sake, woman! Children are being abused and families are dying in the streets every day in this coutry but all you care about is that your new fucia chenille sweater will be out of style next winter?!
God help me but if she mentioned anything about collecting beannie babies, I would have hurled in her lap...then climbed onto my soap box about the futility and greed of spending hundreds of dollars on TOYS when people in this country are dying every day of starvation and incurable diseases!
She asked if I had been to some new store in the mall that sells really cute shoes and hand bags. I told her I don't get into shoe collecting - give me my black boots, sneakers for working out, one pair of sandals, and two pairs of heels, some polish to keep them nice, and I'm good until they wear out. She just couldn't understand this concept, but continued anyway.
"Well, there's this group I belong to..." (oh, shit...here it comes!) "... We're just a bunch of house wives, most Navy, and we get together and have baking contests, play Bingo at church, get our nails done and our hair done together. You should come along."
Oh, for the love of... ! I'm freakin' 32! Not 62! What about my demeanor led this woman to think I would be into that kind of thing? I drive a truck, had on black boots and jeans, black and white athletic shirt...of course, my hair was pretty, nice make up, long silver earrings ... I'm a woman, after all, but nowhere does it say women have to be shallow and materialistic, thank you! There's life in this world and I intend to be part of it, not some quilting-bee at a church social, where the men-folk talk about cars and women, and the females gab about breast feeding and their "monthly visitor".
I shook my head and politely replied, "No, thank you. I'm just not into that kind of stuff."
"Oh, well, we go bowling, too!"
Like that helps?!
This went on for about an hour and a half until they called her away. She was gone and I was left in peace.
Some time went by before a guy came in to wait on his car. I was at the window and he sat down across the room. Just as I was thinking how nice it would be for my daughter to start a conversation with him, SHE came back! DAMMIT!!!
She returned to her seat and began to inform me that they found the reason for the noise. Apparently she had tried to check her oil level and left the cap loose ... or something. I'm not sure what she was trying to say, but it had something to do with a loose cap. She decided, then, to let them change her oil since the only kind of oils she knew about were hair and vegetable. Geez!!!
I took a deep breath as she expressed her annoyance of how the mechanics expected her to be able to tell them anything about her vehicle when all she should have to worry about is filling up the tank.
Holy Mother of Zeus! Every word out of this woman's mouth was like nails on a chalk board!
She starts talking again and I do as my voice of survival instructs me: take out my cell phone and start IM'ing. Does it work? Of course not. I can't be that lucky.
I ignore her as I'm instant messaging a bounty-hunter/ex-sniper friend to ask how I can kill her with no one knowing, until she mentions something about movies.
She asked my daughter if she had seen Zathura. My daughter said, "No. Me and mommy saw a monster movie with a vampire... RAWR....and werewolf ... GRRRR... and they beat each other up and there was blood and they kissed and it was really good. I like vampires and werewolves." (Underworld 2)
My child....dear sweet little girl... *wiping away a tear at the corner of my eye* ... so proud *sniff*... Then busy-body airhead had to go and shatter the moment!
"Oh my! Well... don't you go see movies like cartoons and with girls like Lindsay Lohan?"
"Oh, yeah, those are good," said my daughter ....but that didn't make me happy because of the insinuations of this woman. My child is very girly but she likes boyish things, too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that!
I said, "Yeah, but we mostly watch things like Underworld and Transporter and Batman, Van Helsing...things like that. Hellboy was her favorite at one time..."
"Oh, gosh! That was such a stupid movie!" she sneered.
"Oh, it was pretty awesome," I replied simply. "We used to watch it over and over. She wanted Hellboy as her boyfriend."
Wish I had a camera at just that moment so I could enjoy the look on her face over and over.
She stood then and walked to the TV to change the channel.
"I'm trying to find Oprah. I just love her!" she said.
"Oh, I don't like talk shows," I said.
"Me either. I hardly watch."
I just looked at her kind of funny and glanced over at the guy, who was looking at her funny,too. Didn't she just say she loved Oprah?
She couldn't find anything but the news, and they were talking about oil and gas prices. She continued to flip and commented as she did, "I don't understand that stupid stuff about oil and the price of gas. I mean, what does oil have to do with gas? It's stupid!"
My eyes got big and my jaw dropped in astonishment. I looked back at the guy to see the very same look on his face. He looked at me and we both just shook our heads.
She sat back down and started talking to me some more, then turned and started talking to him. I leaned over, caught his eye, and mouthed the words, "HELP ME!"
Who said chivalry is dead! He took the bullet for me and started a conversation with her. It didn't take him long, though, to think, "Fuck this!" and sign into his own cell phone.
She turned back toward me and I got back on my instant messenger.
FINALLY!!! They called her for the last time!!! Her car was done and she was out of there.
I had to apologize to that poor guy. He came and sat next to me and said, "Man, what the hell was that?! I thought I could help you out but damn! I just couldn't do it anymore!"
I said, "Yeah, but did you notice that she didn't care?"
He said, "Yeah. How long were you in here with her?"
"About 3 hours"
"Holy shit! That sucks!"
He was really cool and we talked until both our orders were done.
And I left with a better understanding of why men laugh at women car owners.
As a damned good driver and one time undefeated only girl street racer as a teen, women like this are a bad name to us all. If any should be reading this, learn about cars, learn to drive, learn about the world, and stop believing life revolves around shopping and the salon! You do not represent REAL women, and I am happy to announce your days are numbered!
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