(Originally posted September 2006)Rule #1: Mention to a particular annoying person that you just ate Mexican, and to please excuse you for your upset stomach in the event you cannot control your bodily functions.
Rule #2: Get on the cell phone and say in a really depressed voice,"I don't know...the doctor said it's not contagious, so I decided to get out today. Yeah, the burning still hurts and it's starting to ooze this weird green stuff. What?! George has it, too? Oh, shit! I just saw him this morning! The doctor was wrong!"
Rule #3: Pretend to have Turrets...and direct your symptoms toward anyone who comes near you.
Rule #4: Don't shower for 2 days and play with a wet dog on your way over.
Rule#5: Stick to their every word... and I mean EVERY word:
"I have a..."
"Boil? Hemorrhoid? Mental malfunction?"
"...son..."
"Wow!"
"Um, yes, so he came over...."
"Really? Wow!"
".... and cut..."
"His hand? Your hair? The cheese?"
"... the lawn!"
"Ooooooo..... fascinating!"
..... you get the idea.
Rule #6: Have a debate about the differences between apples and oranges aloud with yourself, and make sure you seriously disagree with yourself.
Rule #7: If seated beside them, stay there. If not, move to a seat beside them. Then turn toward them and lean in. Stare into their eyes as they speak with a look that suggests every word they say is like a heavenly chorus to your ears. Blow into their ear then pretend it was a silly mistake. Comment frequently on their eyes and how nicely their mouth moves. This should especially work on members of the same sex.
CAUTION!: This one MAY backfire! If so, refer to #3 or #1. This one can also be combined with #4 and #1 if they do not work alone.
Rule #8: Start break dancing. If you know how, pretend you don't. This one may actually earn some pocket change. People tend to throw hard earned money at no-talent hacks.
Rule #9: Pretend you are having phone sex on your cell.... Oh, wait...that didn't work..
Rule #9 (fixed): Pretend you are having phone sex on your cell with your dog. If it doesn't work... Run like hell!
Rule #10: Bring someone you secretly can't stand with you. If someone starts irritating you, tell them, "Oh, I have a serious headache, but my friend would looove to hear all about it!"
Rule #11: In a low - but audible - voice, speak into your cell and pretend you are an undercover CIA agent there to spy on someone in the waiting room. Explain to your superior that you aren't sure who it may be but you know it will be the first person who speaks to you. You can't stress enough to your boss how badly you will kick this low-life's ass as soon as they make themselves known to you.
Rule #12: Recite the rules of anger management in a rough and frazzled voice while pulling desperately at your hair and rocking back and forth.
Rule #13: Take a rock with you. When someone starts to speak to you, begin to pet it and ask if they would like to pet it, too. Explain how it saved your life by dialing 911 when you tried to kill yourself with a paper airplane.
Rule #14: As soon as someone starts talking, ask if they want to see your tattoo. If they ask where it is, tell them you haven't gotten it yet. You need the blood of your next victim to make the red more realistic.
Rule #15: If you're a guy and an annoying woman starts hitting on you: lean close and whisper, "Hey...do you have a tampon? The damn hormone pills haven't taken care of that part yet, and surgery isn't until next month."
If you're a girl and an annoying man starts hitting on you: lean close and whisper, "Hey, bruh.... do these look real? I just got them yesterday. That was the easy part. It's when they cut off my dick and tucked in my balls that hurt like hell!"
If this one doesn't work... well... just be happy you didn't get hit into next week!
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